"...the very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof...Right now I'm living inside that hope, running down its hallway and touching the walls on both sides...I can't tell you how good it feels." --Barbara Kingsolver, ANIMAL DREAMS
Congratulations on your pregnancy! It must be exciting to be pregnant again--yet if you're reading this site, you've also experienced a previous loss. You are probably filled with a multitude of emotions: fear, happiness, joy, anxiety, guilt over your lost baby, or babies, and alone. It may have taken many months to achieve this pregnancy or it may have happened quicker than you were prepared for. What were your first feelings when you saw the positive pregnancy test? How did your partner feel? There are no right or wrong ways to feel about this pregnancy. Try to take a few moments to allow yourself to reflect on your initial emotions--whether you need to cry about it or laugh out loud with happiness. Try to let yourself experience some joy about the creation of this new life; no matter how this pregnancy turns out, you and your partner have created life together. This is miraculous in and of itself. For today, this is enough.
One of the most difficult aspects of pregnancy after miscarriage is not being able to know or control the future of this pregnancy. Unfortunately, your blinders are off and you know that many people experience losses on the way to creating the families of their dreams. However, it is still important to have hope--as Barbara Kingsolver's quote suggests. If you tell yourself not to get attached to this baby and you have a miscarriage--you will still hurt emotionally and physically. If you allow yourself to have some hope and begin attaching to this baby, you will also hurt if you have a miscarriage. Either way there will be pain. Explore cautious optimism, have hope, allow yourself to "run down its hallway" occasionally, and grieve if you have a loss. Everyone is different--experiment with what works for you.
This week I will be satisfied with the fact that my partner and I have created a new life. This is a miracle in and of itself. Some people are never able to get pregnant and I am grateful that we have been able to get pregnant again. Help me to have the strength to get through each day and please bless this pregnancy.
