"And suddenly, the clouds parted and she realized what she had been following. She saw it there in the distance like a house with wings and a candle burning in every window: her heart. So, of course, she had to enter. Once you follow your heart, and then find it, you must open the door..." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW
Women are typically intuitive creatures, the gender that is commonly more in touch with their feelings and instincts. However, much of our socialization as girls was likely focused on the importance of recognizing other's needs and quickly sensing how we can be helpful in any situation. Often these behaviors earned us a "good girl" response from our caregivers. No doubt these skills will come in useful as a mother, however, it has too often made us unfamiliar to ourselves--and not always comfortable following our own heart.
What would your heart look like? Feel like? What do you value most in this world and how are they represented inside of yourself? What are the longings of your heart? How would you feel opening the door to your heart? Is it a comforting, safe, and familiar place? Or is it scary to open the door to your heart--do you feel vulnerable? If so, why do you think this is how you feel? How does this pregnancy and parenthood fit inside your heart? Is there a way that you can hold your lost baby or babies in this imagery and make room to hold your unborn baby?
This visualization of a warm, welcoming heart--like the one described above--can be a powerfully comforting exercise during this time. As you worry about making it through this pregnancy, you could make this visualization part of your relaxation process to help yourself cope. It may also help to soothe your hurt if you are experiencing more sadness about your previous miscarriage. If this exercise feels uncomfortable and makes you feel too vulnerable, it is a good time to think about why this is so difficult for you. Pregnancy, the act of giving birth, and parenthood are all experiences that can make one feel extremely vulnerable--so it's best to start becoming more comfortable with it now!
Please help me to become aware of my heart's longings today. Make me open to seeing the possibilities for my life and heart in all areas, not just in the parenthood realm. Help me to envision my heart as a loving and accepting place--a place that can comfort me when I feel sad or scared. If it is threatening to feel vulnerable, help to soften the worries so that I may begin to explore unchartered territory inside myself. My baby will be better for this work that I do for myself to live my best life possible.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Walk Towards the Light
Psalm 30: Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, And give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, But joy comes with the morning...
You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.
I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."
She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?
If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.
Merry Christmas!
You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.
I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."
She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?
If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Girlfriends
"Turning her head to look at each of her friends...she saw them as she had never before. They seemed to glow from within, like there were lanterns inside their bodies. They looked very old to her, and very young all at once. They looked invincible and utterly, utterly, fragile. Their bodies were the density and weight that had anchored her, that made her more real. She looked up at them and flooded with gratitude." --Rebecca Wells,YA-YA SISTERHOOD
Female friendships are so important in our lives. Many women feel a sense of kinship to other women that we don't find in other close relationships. Women can be silly together, cry together, or be a sounding board for one another. Sometimes all we want is to feel heard and often a girlfriend is just the person to hear us out. Women who have suffered miscarriage often feel comforted sharing their experience with other women. It can be helpful to share about your loss over the previous pregnancy--especially, if you have a friend that has likewise suffered a miscarriage. Being pregnant again, you want to share some of your excitement and anxiety with someone other than your partner--and girlfriends can be great for that too.
However, a woman who has experienced miscarriage or fertility problems can often feel alone among women. During the childbearing years, many women are pregnant and having babies with seemingly no difficulty--you might feel surrounded by these women. Though miscarriage is common, some women don't talk about their experiences of loss and there is still much shame about pregnancy losses. But, in general, girlfriends help to get us through pregnancy loss, healthy pregnancy, and early parenting. We rely upon each other each step of the way. Be it the girlfriend who doesn't have children, but silently shares in your grief with tears in her eyes; the calm and grounded friend who listens endlessly; the friend who cries when she tells you she's pregnant with her second when you've just miscarried your first pregnancy; the friends that emailed, called, or sent cards after any loss. One friend baked us brownies after a miscarriage--saying that she knew that nothing probably helped, but maybe chocolate would. It did!
Who can you talk to? Who are the friends that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with? Do you feel alone among other women? How can you begin to feel more comfortable with girlfriends again? Can you talk to your partner or a family member? Family members are wonderful resources, but sometimes it can be even more helpful to talk to a friend. If you felt alone with your loss, or still feel alone with your pregnancy--try to think of someone that you could talk to, write a letter to, or email.
This week, let me reflect upon my true friends. These people have lightened my load and helped me when I've been heavy hearted. They remind me that sometimes all one needs to feel better is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to simply listen, hold my hand, or help me to laugh. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of who I am and who I was before I suffered a miscarriage--and they can help me see my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. If I am not connecting with other women because of my loss and current anxiety, help me to relax and release my shame. I need girlfriends to help me get through this time. I am truly blessed to have girlfriends in my life...and I want to radiate that feeling down to my growing baby.
Female friendships are so important in our lives. Many women feel a sense of kinship to other women that we don't find in other close relationships. Women can be silly together, cry together, or be a sounding board for one another. Sometimes all we want is to feel heard and often a girlfriend is just the person to hear us out. Women who have suffered miscarriage often feel comforted sharing their experience with other women. It can be helpful to share about your loss over the previous pregnancy--especially, if you have a friend that has likewise suffered a miscarriage. Being pregnant again, you want to share some of your excitement and anxiety with someone other than your partner--and girlfriends can be great for that too.
However, a woman who has experienced miscarriage or fertility problems can often feel alone among women. During the childbearing years, many women are pregnant and having babies with seemingly no difficulty--you might feel surrounded by these women. Though miscarriage is common, some women don't talk about their experiences of loss and there is still much shame about pregnancy losses. But, in general, girlfriends help to get us through pregnancy loss, healthy pregnancy, and early parenting. We rely upon each other each step of the way. Be it the girlfriend who doesn't have children, but silently shares in your grief with tears in her eyes; the calm and grounded friend who listens endlessly; the friend who cries when she tells you she's pregnant with her second when you've just miscarried your first pregnancy; the friends that emailed, called, or sent cards after any loss. One friend baked us brownies after a miscarriage--saying that she knew that nothing probably helped, but maybe chocolate would. It did!
Who can you talk to? Who are the friends that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with? Do you feel alone among other women? How can you begin to feel more comfortable with girlfriends again? Can you talk to your partner or a family member? Family members are wonderful resources, but sometimes it can be even more helpful to talk to a friend. If you felt alone with your loss, or still feel alone with your pregnancy--try to think of someone that you could talk to, write a letter to, or email.
This week, let me reflect upon my true friends. These people have lightened my load and helped me when I've been heavy hearted. They remind me that sometimes all one needs to feel better is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to simply listen, hold my hand, or help me to laugh. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of who I am and who I was before I suffered a miscarriage--and they can help me see my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. If I am not connecting with other women because of my loss and current anxiety, help me to relax and release my shame. I need girlfriends to help me get through this time. I am truly blessed to have girlfriends in my life...and I want to radiate that feeling down to my growing baby.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Remember Your Dreams
Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour each day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, ALICE IN WONDERLAND
What were your "impossible things" as a child? What are they now? For this week, spend a few minutes reflecting on your life's dreams. What dreams have come true for you and what did it feel like to realize a dream? What dreams are left for you to realize? Obviously, having this healthy baby is one dream that you are hoping to realize. Who are you besides a mother-to-be? What dreams do you share with your partner?
It is important to remember that you were a woman with many different and varied dreams before you became obsessed with motherhood. Sometimes during fertility issues it is easy to forget who we were before disappointment struck. It is also common to forget the aspects that drew you to your mate and brought you joy in the relationship. Think back and remember the "impossible things" that make you tick--outside of wanting to be a mother or a mother of more children. You will achieve that dream--someway, somehow--that dream WILL come true. But you will be a better mother if all of your dreams are not wrapped up in your children.
Help me to remember who I am at my core. I think I may have forgotten lately because of my hurt and anxiety. This is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it...but it's time to change my outlook. Help me to check back in with myself and think about my dreams and hopes for the future. Help me to be optimistic and find my innocence again--before this baby arrives and needs me to play, laugh, and imagine!
What were your "impossible things" as a child? What are they now? For this week, spend a few minutes reflecting on your life's dreams. What dreams have come true for you and what did it feel like to realize a dream? What dreams are left for you to realize? Obviously, having this healthy baby is one dream that you are hoping to realize. Who are you besides a mother-to-be? What dreams do you share with your partner?
It is important to remember that you were a woman with many different and varied dreams before you became obsessed with motherhood. Sometimes during fertility issues it is easy to forget who we were before disappointment struck. It is also common to forget the aspects that drew you to your mate and brought you joy in the relationship. Think back and remember the "impossible things" that make you tick--outside of wanting to be a mother or a mother of more children. You will achieve that dream--someway, somehow--that dream WILL come true. But you will be a better mother if all of your dreams are not wrapped up in your children.
Help me to remember who I am at my core. I think I may have forgotten lately because of my hurt and anxiety. This is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it...but it's time to change my outlook. Help me to check back in with myself and think about my dreams and hopes for the future. Help me to be optimistic and find my innocence again--before this baby arrives and needs me to play, laugh, and imagine!
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