tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16764813862376424122024-03-08T16:05:08.573-08:00Pregnancy After MiscarriageThis blog is intended to provide inspiration and support to women that have suffered a miscarriage and find themselves pregnant again. Miscarriages are extremely common; but for some women a subsequent pregnancy can be plagued by a sense of grief over the previous loss and anxiety about the new pregnancy. I am a recurrent miscarriage survivor, a licensed therapist, and now have three healthy children.Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-73389294084086432192011-04-11T13:12:00.000-07:002011-04-11T13:12:25.934-07:00The Future Ahead<b><i>"Today I saw the future. She was sitting in a lawn chair in the center of the road with a sign that said, "Don't go this way." She doesn't always take the direct approach. She might camoflage herself behind traffic jams, alarm clocks, burnt toast and deadlines causing the urban observer to believe she's really not there. But no matter what, she always leaves a little trail of hope leading to her infinite arms." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW</i></b><br />
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What do you see for your future? What are the signs for you that you push into one direction or the other? In the parenting realm, working world, or your intimate relationship? This is a time of transition and it is good to think of how the future is directing you in one way or another. It is important to live in the moment, but occasionally it is a good exercise to visualize the future. Particularly after you've suffered a loss, it is pleasant to picture a healthy pregnancy, your belly swelling, a precious baby being born. When I was pregnant with my daughter, past the first trimester, I would watch the TV show "Baby Story" over and over. I would sit there and just weep as each family's journey through pregnancy and birth came to fruition. I think that it was my way of learning about this adventure and visualizing what pregnancy and birth could be like for us. I also kept a pregnancy journal where I recorded how I was feeling, dreams for my child, and so on. In a quiet moment think about what your dreams are for this pregnancy and the birth of your child.<br />
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Does the future feel exciting? Scary? A combination of emotions? Who would be there to cradle you and catch you in their infinite arms--the future, your partner, yourself? Once you've taken time to visualize the future and your hopes and put them out to the Universe or God...it is important to realize that we ultimately don't get to control what happens in the future. Of course, you already know this because you've suffered a miscarriage. This was not something you would have chosen on your way to parenthood...but, you are on a new path this time and there is always room for hope and dreams.<br />
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<b>This week, help me to remember that even though I've lost one (or more) baby and this was painful...it is ok for me to have day dreams and visualize this pregnancy and healthy baby. I am not forsaking my lost child by being excited about this current pregnancy and I am not jinxing this pregnancy either. I have hope and want to indulge in picturing my belly big, delivering a healthy baby, and enjoying this next stage in my life.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-18984468220450082322011-04-02T21:42:00.000-07:002011-04-02T21:42:37.472-07:00Joy Envy<b><i>"I wish we would all have more clear, truthful, jealous outbursts. We all feel jealous. I feel it often, about both odd and common things. We are afraid that it is too ugly to be seen, or not kind, or some sign that we are greedy or inferior. If jealousy is shared consciously when felt, its power disappears...Jealously increases in size if you feed it with silence. Practice saying loudly and firmly, I AM SO JEALOUS!" --SARK, The Bodacious Book of Succulence</i></b><br />
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It's not uncommon to feel frustrated by friends who have not experienced pregnancy loss. They may have tried to comfort you after your loss and may have lots of advice for you now that you are pregnant again. Sometimes the words that they use to comfort or help you cope with the anxiety of a new pregnancy are better left unsaid. However, it is important to remember that most people are truly trying to say the right thing and not meaning to offend you in any way. Another common problem for women who've suffered miscarriage is that many of their friends are also of childbearing age--so many friends get pregnant and have healthy pregnancies while you may still be on your path to parenthood. It is universal to have pangs of jealousy over friends' pregnancies and healthy babies. Certainly, miscarriage survivors don't want everyone to experience pregnancy loss, but is can also feel bittersweet when your support system is sailing through pregnancy.<br />
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I remember one friend who just found out she was pregnant, had literally just missed her period, and announced the news to everyone at the park where our toddlers were playing. She was so full of joy about her news. I couldn't help but feel amazement at her proclamation--I would never have been able to express my joy with reckless abandon at four weeks along. Instead, I would feel that I had to keep my pregnancy under wraps as long as I could to help temper my own excitement and to stave off some shame if I miscarried again. Ultimately, I was jealous because I wished for another healthy pregnancy and also to have the carefree joy in expressing excitement about a pregnancy. For me, I coped with having jealous thoughts and feelings (which made me feel terrible) and then shared our news when we reached the end of our first trimester. In the end, both my friend and I had healthy pregnancies and precious children--the process was just different for us in those early weeks. Once I was able to wrap my head around the fact that we would have different pregnancy experiences, I was able to let go of some of the jealous feelings. After all, I was fortunate beyond belief to be having another child.<br />
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Have you felt jealous of others during your process of loss and pregnancy? How did you cope with these feelings? Did it help to share your feelings with the person or was it better for you to handle the emotions on your own? Do you know women who've had a harder road than you? Is it possible that they've envied your experience in some way?<br />
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<b>Help me to remember that jealous feelings are common for someone who has experienced loss. It is OK for me to acknowledge these feelings to myself, my partner, and my friend if appropriate. After I allow myself to wallow in these feelings a bit, it is then time to give them less power and move on. After all, I have many blessings in my life. I am fortunate to be pregnant again and this is enough for today. In life, there is always someone who seemingly has it easier than me and always many people who have a more challenging existence than me. Help me to keep this in mind today.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-48251550557162856582011-03-21T13:19:00.000-07:002011-03-21T13:19:38.684-07:00Activites that Restore<b><i>"May the long time sun, Shine upon you, May all love surround you, And the pure light, That's within you...Guide your way on." --song from prenatal yoga</i></b><br />
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Once you are towards the end of your first trimester, it is safe to try some restorative experiences. You might be feeling better and beginning to have more energy. Usually prenatal yoga is a favorite among pregnant women--it feels so good physically to stretch and relax...as well as such a pleasure to connect with other pregnant women and have quiet time for you and your growing baby. These activities combine the physical part of stretching, gaining strength, and flexibility while also preparing you emotionally for childbirth with breathing and calming techniques.<br />
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What activities do you do that refresh your body and mind? This is different for each person. It may be yoga, Pilates, walking, swimming, going to church, playing in the backyard with a toddler or dog, cooking, meditating, journaling, or taking a bath. If you can't think of something that restores you...then it is time to begin finding simple ways to recharge your spirit! This is your time to experiment...before this new baby arrives. You will need to have a few options tucked away for stressed-out moments once this little angel arrives! If you are having trouble making the time, I encourage you to find the time somewhere. Not only will this help prepare you for childbirth, but it also sets the stage for you taking good care of yourself as a mother. A happy home is only as happy as the mother is--remember that!<br />
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<b>Please help me to find time for myself right now. If I feel guilty for taking time to rind a restorative activity, help me to see how important it is for my body and mind. The baby loves this special time that I spend with him/her. If I don't have an activity that refreshes me...help me to have the courage to try some new things that might make me feel good! Help me to see that I deserve it--no matter how busy my days are.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-13741254824629556642011-03-14T12:47:00.000-07:002011-03-14T12:47:30.294-07:00One Day at a Time<b><i>"Being attached to the future is still attachment." --Rusty Berkus</i></b><br />
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Sometimes we are so forward-looking, especially when we're pregnant, that we forget to live in the present. Especially when you've suffered a miscarriage, your life is ruled by the calendar and frantically trying to get through the pregnancy milestones. Taking one day at a time really does allow us more time to fully experience the day's events. If we constantly focus on next week, next month, or which baby swing/bouncer/rocking chair to get--we miss the opportunity to see and experience the miracles of today. You are pregnant and this is a special time in your life and within your body. It might be nice to slow down, think about what's occurring in your body, and share this with your partner. After all, you cannot control the past or future...so you may as well focus on today. It's easier said than done, but it's not impossible.<br />
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Children are a wonderful reminder of the joys while living in the present. They will hardly allow you a moment of peace to contemplate the future until they are sound asleep! Think about how you want to live your life...and what being attached to the future looks like for you. What kind of balance can you strike in this area of your life? Think about what makes you feel more comfortable, more at peace, and able to enjoy this current day and your pregnancy.<br />
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Are you spending too much time thinking about the future, not focusing on the current day? Is this creating anxiety for you? Does it calm you to plan the near future? Is there a way for you to allow yourself some planning time if this relieves anxiety, but then move on to enjoying the current moment? Have you always been one to think about the future to excess? If so, how do you think this might affect your parenting?<br />
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<b>Help me to take one day at a time...this is enough for me right now. My body is working hard to take care of this baby and I need to give myself permission to live for this day. The future will work itself out. Help me to visualize myself as calm, centered, and nurturing this little baby inside of me.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-71614113015521890512011-03-07T13:14:00.000-08:002011-03-07T13:14:40.930-08:00Be Your Own Heroine<b><i>"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." --Nora Ephron</i></b><br />
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We've all suffered hurts in our lives that have been so challenging and overwhelming that we didn't know how we would cope and move forward. Most of us usually are able to pick up the pieces and begin to heal and feel better. Some of us struggle more with this in our lives--and as a result, feel victimized, angry, and walk around with a chip on our shoulder for years. Yes, you've suffered a pregnancy loss and are anxious about this current pregnancy...yet, it is so much healthier to view oneself as a survivor, a heroine of your own life. Viewing yourself as a victim is an easy trap to fall into, especially if you've had multiple losses or hurts in your life. However, if you refocus your energy on your strengths, perseverance, dedication to having a healthy pregnancy, and hope for the future--it can have a remarkable effect on your outlook and the way you live your life.<br />
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In what ways can you take charge of your life so that you feel more empowered? Are there ways that you want to feel more self-efficacious at work or home? Are there ways in which you'd like to take control of your medical treatment? Is it time for you to speak up about something? One way that you can ease some of your anxiety about this pregnancy, is by renting a Doppler to use at home. This is a wonderful option that can quickly reassure you if you are feeling nervous. Dopplers are available online and allow you to listen to your baby's heartbeat at home. Depending on the baby's position, you may be able to locate the heartbeat on your own now so this may be a useful option to calm your nerves.<br />
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Are you the heroine or victim of your life? If you feel that you are a victim, are you uncomfortable and unhappy enough in this role to make a change? Are there ways that you can feel more empowered in this pregnancy and in your life in general? What lessons do you want to teach this baby growing inside of you about overcoming challenges? How do you want this child to view you as a parent and a person in the world?<br />
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<b>Help me to explore within myself whether I walk around this world as a heroine or a victim of my own life. Perhaps my own parents perceived themselves as victims and I didn't have a good role model for being a survivor. It is time for me to take care of myself, empower myself, and take charge of my life. I want to walk around with my chin up and I know that I can do this--and it will make me so much happier. I want this baby to know that I am strong, brave, and proud of who I am.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-77415736890614574922011-02-28T13:15:00.000-08:002011-02-28T13:15:48.909-08:00Embracing the Moment<b><i>"In life, there are no ordinary moments. Most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." --Kathleen Magee</i></b><br />
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It is important to be present in our lives. Sometimes we are so caught up in the daily grind, the worries about everything going on in the world, planning too far into the future...that we lose sight of what is going around us and within us. Today, pause and look around you: who is beside you, what were your joys of today, and how is your body feeling with this growing baby inside of you? <br />
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Take a moment to really let life sink in. Thank the people beside you that have been supportive and loving in your life. Cuddle with your pets. Pat your tummy--allow yourself to feel thankful for this little miracle growing inside of you. Indeed, these are not just ordinary moments...unless you let them slip by.<br />
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Now is the time to begin being "awake" in our lives--when you have this baby, the moments will slip by all too quickly. Learn to relish the wonderful moments in your life now. You will look back on this pregnancy and time in your life later and wish you could re-experience parts of it again. It is easier to count your blessings when you have slowed down enough to reflect.<br />
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<b> For this week, help me to slow down and take an inventory of what is going on in my life. Help me to live in the present, enjoy the moment, and not to obsess about the future. After all, I don't have control of the future, but I can enjoy today. Help me to focus on the good and positive aspects of life and the people around me.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-21768482608346480112011-02-16T20:03:00.000-08:002011-02-16T20:03:20.995-08:00Remembering<b><i>"There are disappointments that wring us ,there are those which inflict a wound whose mark we bear to our graves. Such are so keen that no future gratification of the same desire can ever obliterate them: they become registered as a permanent loss of happiness." --Thomas Hardy, A PAIR OF BLUE EYES</i></b><br />
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It is surprising to some women how much they still think about their lost baby or babies. It's common to remember them on their due dates, around the time they were conceived, on the date of your miscarriage, at holidays, or when you see a child who is the same age that your child would have been. These rememberings can often crop up at random times like during a movie, in a dream, or in a sad moment alone. They were a part of you and some women find it hard to totally let go. Everyone has a different experience with this--and this is OK. Even now that you're pregnant again, you may still find your mind drifting to your lost angel or angels.<br />
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One of the hardest parts about miscarriage can be how you feel so alone with it. In one book about miscarriage, it begins by saying "Welcome to a lonely club..." Often couples haven't told anyone they were pregnant and they then suffer silently. Even couples who have shared the joyful news of pregnancy with others, still feel alone because no one "knew" the baby. In reading Elizabeth Edward's memoir, SAVING GRACES, which discussed the death of their teenage son, she mentions how she doesn't want anyone to forget about his existence. You may identify with this concept and feel strongly that you don't want yourself or anyone else to forget about the existence of this very tiny soul.<br />
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For this week, think about if there is a way you can keep your lost baby in your heart and still move on with your current life. Is there something special you can do on a yearly/monthly basis that will help you remember the life that was lost to you? How can remembering your lost baby or babies help you free yourself to love this new baby that you are carrying? There are many ways that one can symbolically remember their lost child. One grief website had an option to post your miscarriage date and it becomes "the day my angel got its wings." That may feel comforting. One could plant a tree or flowers, donate to a children's charity, write a poem for the lost child, say a prayer at night, or support miscarriage or women's health research. Think about what ways of remembering might hold meaning for you--they may help you to continue to heal and allow you to keep moving forward in your own pregnancy. If you aren't comfortable remembering, why not?<br />
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<b>Help me to connect with the little soul or souls that I have lost along this path to motherhood. If it comforting to me, help me to find a way to remember that unborn child in a special way. If it is more comforting to me to let the baby or babies go, then please help me to release him/her to the heavens. Help me to hold a stillness in my heart for the losses, as well as an openness in my heart for this new and healthy life inside of me.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-91256900907345388662011-02-07T13:09:00.000-08:002011-02-07T13:09:58.205-08:00Seeking Your Internal Home<b><i>"Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own." --Oprah Winfrey</i></b><br />
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It can be such a challenge to silence our minds and the world around us. We are bombarded everyday with so much information, things to remember, places to go, people to see, errands to run, people to listen to...it can be truly overwhelming. This can feel particularly relevant in the midst of reproductive challenges and fears--in addition to the normal chatter of life, there are more doctor's appointments, tests to be done, family and friends to update, and partners who also need their thoughts and feelings validated. Of course, one is also supposed to manage work, a home, pets, and your own aching self! Now you may be feeling burdened with people's comments about your current pregnancy...or you may have chosen to keep the pregnancy quiet for the time being, which comes with its own set of difficulties, too.<br />
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Wherever you are for today, make time to quiet your mind and begin listening to yourself. How are <i>you</i>feeling today? If you heart could speak, what would it say? Are you listening to yourself or does it feel odd to "check in" with yourself? In my therapy work with adolescents, I often discuss the concept of an "internal home" with them. In life, it is often comforting if you have a place inside that you can go to when you need comfort, hope, sustenance, or guidance. This should be a place of peacefulness and should reflect your authentic self--it should feel like a home inside yourself. For me, I picture sitting on a rock beach on Flathead Lake in Montana. It is a spot I've visited since my childhood and feels familiar, safe, and comforting to me. It captures much of what I hold sacred: the sound of water, a clear horizon, mountains above the shore, a spiritual presence, and wonderful memories of family and childhood. I can hear my own voice there--and it's great that I can access it anytime if I just slow down and close my eyes for a few minutes.<br />
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What is your internal home like? Do you often visit it and does it bring you comfort? Do you like being able to rely on yourself to soothe and heal the broken parts? Or do you prefer talking things through with a friend or loved one? Are there times when it might be good to tune everyone else out for a moment? What do you wish for your unborn baby in this regard? The better you are equipped to nurture yourself...the easier it will be to nurture your little baby on the way.<br />
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<b>This week, help me to take a few moments to quiet the world around me. Help me to take a few deep breaths and really check in with myself. If I am uncomfortable being alone with myself, help me recognize that...and help me begin to prepare for moments of solitary strength and confidence that will be needed on this journey to motherhood. All that I do today to become more self-aware will benefit myself and my child.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-83617371412053987262011-01-31T13:13:00.000-08:002011-01-31T13:13:23.093-08:00Optimism<b><i>"Life is never beyond hope." --Rudolfo Anaya, BLESS ME ULTIMA</i></b><br />
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Our thinking affects our feelings and behavior--just as our feelings affect the way we think about experiences. However, we tend to have more control over our thought processes than mastery over controlling our emotions. It is extremely common to have a negative tape running through our minds all day long--an inner critic calling ourselves names and making us feel badly about ourselves. After a pregnancy loss, it is not uncommon to be distraught, down, or experience depressing thoughts. However, to wallow in this negative thinking for too long will only make one feel worse about the situation. Time is a good healer for this negative thinking--and a subsequent pregnancy is a good positive distraction.<br />
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There is one silver lining of miscarriage and that is the opportunity to try and get pregnant again. There was hope that you would get pregnant again--and you DID--and now there is hope that you will carry this baby to term. I know it is a guarded hope since you've experienced a loss...but it is sill hope. It is a precious gift to be pregnant again and one that is worth relishing for a few moments today. There is actually a lot to be said for having an optimistic attitude to help you cope with the stress of a first trimester.<br />
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What negative thoughts cross your mind each day? How are these thoughts affecting your feelings? Is it time to think more positively? It is important for the baby to feel your faith and hope for this pregnancy--you can start to do this by letting more light and hope into your mind and heart. It is time to make room for the baby growing inside of you and let go of some of the negativity that has been following you around. You have had a set-back, a misfortune by having a miscarriage--but now you have also been blessed. It's so much more relaxing and soothing to focus on the current blessings present in your life.<br />
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<b>Help me to slow down today and recognize the power of my thinking upon my feelings throughout the day. Help me to treat myself kindly and stop berating myself in every way. Help me to quiet the negative voice in my head that creates more anxiety in me about this pregnancy. Allow me to focus on the positive things happening in my life this very moment--and begin to allow the hope to seep in in manageable moments. I am scared to be too optimistic and hopeful, yet I want to begin allowing positive feelings in.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-19090458016244340482011-01-25T08:22:00.000-08:002011-01-25T08:22:12.976-08:00Taking Risk<b><i>"...there are times in a person's life when to risk everything is the only affirmation of life." --Alice Walker</i></b><br />
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When we pregnant for the fifth time, and had already suffered three miscarriages, it felt like some of our friends and family thought we were crazy. They had watched us suffer multiple losses, heard about the extensive medical workup, and observed the financial stress of testing and treatments. There was undoubtedly a physical and emotional toll on both of us...and we already had one beautiful, miracle child--why push it?<br />
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It was hard for us to explain our feelings about wanting to still grow our family, despite all the pain and difficulty. We felt that we had to take the risk...and just felt like somehow we would know if we needed to stop this process or switch gears somehow. We had to consider all options--maybe I wouldn't be able to carry another baby for us and we'd need to consider a surrogate. Maybe we would consider adoption or foster parenting...all we knew was that our hearts had more room for more children to love and raise and that we wanted a sibling for our daughter. At some point, we became more confident in our goals and didn't care if others could not understand. We knew their intentions were good--they just did not want us to suffer--and that was comforting, though frustrating at times.<br />
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What do you feel like you're risking? Are you feeling supported in that risk? Are you trying to please or appease too many people? How can you stay true to yourself in this process?<br />
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<b> Help me to be clear in my mind about my desires for a family today. Help me to filter out any noise from others, if it doesn't feel supportive. Help me to make special time with my spouse this week to comfort each other and feel solid in this pregnancy and our desire to have/or build our little family. Please help me to LIVE my life the way I want to and not to look back with regret later in life.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-13449310536464208442011-01-19T13:31:00.000-08:002011-01-19T13:31:20.553-08:00Broken Parts<b><i>"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken." --William Stafford</i></b><br />
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One of the "gifts" after suffering a loss of any type is that you are given the opportunity to reevaluate your life and try to mend your heart and life to enable you to move forward. I know that there was no part of your miscarriage or miscarriages that felt like a gift--it was very difficult for me to ever find a silver lining. Pain is pain...and loss is loss. The only positives that came out of the losses were my own personal growth and the deeper bond between my husband and I.<br />
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Many people tried to comfort me with the adage,"everything happens for a reason." Sometimes people are implying that something went wrong with the baby and the miscarriage was nature's way of taking care of the problem. I always felt this was extremely insensitive, even if the person's intentions were good and even if there was a genetic problem with the baby. Sometimes people say "everything happens for a reason" and mean it in a larger sense--a spiritual sense--that this loss needed to occur. I have really struggled with this concept in my life. On the one hand, I believe that there is always something to be learned from a horrible situation--so no situation is without some bit of gleaning about the world/life/people etc. However, I also believe that there is suffering in the world that is terrible and unexplainable--meaning there is no reason it had to happen (think about the Holocaust, a child being hit by a car, senseless violent crimes). After grappling with this issue, I have come to some peace in the idea that my God is a loving God--and doesn't enjoy seeing us suffer senselessly either. I believe that there are terrible losses that God wishes didn't happen as well--and miscarriage is one of them. This way of thinking helped me to build my "parachute" to cope with my pregnancies after loss.<br />
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Have you been able to mend your broken parts to help you cope with your current pregnancy? Do you feel guilty in loving this new baby? How do you conceive of your miscarriage and God's role in it, if any? What words were most comforting to you after your loss?<br />
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<b>Help me to see my broken parts clearly and continue to help me try to heal them. I want to heal these sad and hurting parts before this baby arrives--and in time to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible. Help me to make sense of why suffering and loss occurs and to cope with its aftermath. After I think about these topics, please help me to rest my tired mind.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-13449937276988470682011-01-10T13:05:00.000-08:002011-01-10T13:05:15.605-08:00Evaluating Happiness<b><i>"Happiness is not about successes...it is about feeling significant." --Dr. Robert Holden, Happiness Researcher and psychologist</i></b><br />
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So many of us fall into thinking that we will be happy...<b>if</b> we have a bigger house, if we find a husband, if we get a raise, or if we can have a baby. It is easy to fall into this way of thinking, striving, comparing in today's competitive world. It seems there is always someone right next to us that is smarter, more fit, wealthier, more outgoing, more fertile, and the list goes on. It is time to take a step back from this way of thinking--and challenge yourself. Do achievements make you happy? Do material things make you happy? Do successes make you happy?<br />
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All achievements/successes/material items can temporarily life anyone's spirits. However, true happiness comes from the inside of one's soul--a truly happy person is satisfied with themselves and their life, regardless of recent accumulations/successes. Truly content people are also able to persevere and maintain their optimistic vantage point, even after tragedy strikes.<br />
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For this week, reflect upon happiness and the role it plays in your life--and how your outlook on life will affect your coming baby. Take a moment to think about these five questions, called <i>The Satisfaction With Life Scale</i>, developed by Ed Diener at the University of Illinois. Rank each item from 1-7 in your mind (1=not at all true, 7=absolutely true).<br />
1. In most ways, my life is ideal.<br />
2. The conditions of my life are excellent.<br />
3. I am satisfied with my life.<br />
4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.<br />
5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.<br />
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What did you learn about yourself? The higher your total score, the happier you are. How do you think your feelings about yourself and outlook on life will affect your mothering and new baby? How are you significant? If you don't feel significant, how can you develop this area of your life?<br />
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<b>For this week, please help me to slow down and evaluate how much happiness I feel in my life. If I am not feeling happy or satisfied with my life--and am expecting this baby to complete me--please help me to being understanding that this will not occur. The baby will likely fill me with happiness and joy, but also many other emotions along the way. The baby will come out of my womb with its own needs...not to meet my needs for happiness and fulfillment. Ultimately, no one except myself can make me feel happy. Help me to discover that warm part of my soul where I feel safe, confident, and joyful about life.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-3403788644156135632011-01-03T13:00:00.000-08:002011-01-03T13:00:32.885-08:00You Already Are a Mother<b><i>"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body." --Elizabeth Stone</i></b><br />
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When a woman becomes pregnant for the first time, she is forever changed. There is nothing in a woman's life experience that will quite compare to carrying a child in her womb and parenting. From the moment one knows that she is pregnant, all of a woman's life begins to transform. Every decision takes into account this new baby growing inside of her, she begins to love and bond with the baby--and these feelings just intensify as she feels the baby's movement and her belly begins to grow. As a woman who has experienced miscarriage, <i>you already are a mother</i>. This is not often said, nor are women comforted as if they had a child die. However, this is what the pain feels like for some women. The proof is in the profound grief that many women experience after a miscarriage. Many women do not feel like they "deserve" to be a mother yet, if they haven't been able to carry a child to term. Remember that there is not one path to motherhood--women that have adopted or fostered children, are mothers; women who have had to use IVF to assist them or use a surrogate are mothers. You were a mother the moment you chose to get pregnant for the first time. With the decision to have a child, the surrender to motherhood is already inherent.<br />
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You are now on the path of pregnancy. Whether you are a mother for the first time or are going to be a mother to multiple children after this baby is born--your life, as you know it, will be altered. Motherhood is an absolutely amazing experience--full of joy, exhaustion, frustration, fun, and tenderness. It is a miracle to be a part of the life of someone else in such a special role. If you have chosen to be a mother, and don't yet have a child, it can help to find little ways to acknowledge your motherhood. How can you acknowledge your motherhood, even if the world hasn't yet? What does being a mother mean to you? What unique gifts will you bring to your child? Is there a symbolic way that you can remember your lost child and be reminded of the fact that you already are a mother?<br />
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<b>If I haven't given birth to a child yet, please help me to see that I am still a mother. I have carried a child in my womb and felt its loss deeply. I am already a mother and have been forever changed by this experience. Help me to recognize my unique gifts as a person and mother that I will share with this baby. Help me to find a gentle way to acknowledge to myself that I already am a mother, even if the world doesn't yet. Please bless this pregnancy.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-68113359455644409382010-12-31T08:19:00.000-08:002010-12-31T08:19:17.022-08:00Following Your Heart<b><i>"And suddenly, the clouds parted and she realized what she had been following. She saw it there in the distance like a house with wings and a candle burning in every window: her heart. So, of course, she had to enter. Once you follow your heart, and then find it, you must open the door..." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW</i></b><br />
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Women are typically intuitive creatures, the gender that is commonly more in touch with their feelings and instincts. However, much of our socialization as girls was likely focused on the importance of recognizing other's needs and quickly sensing how we can be helpful in any situation. Often these behaviors earned us a "good girl" response from our caregivers. No doubt these skills will come in useful as a mother, however, it has too often made us unfamiliar to ourselves--and not always comfortable following our own heart.<br />
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What would your heart look like? Feel like? What do you value most in this world and how are they represented inside of yourself? What are the longings of your heart? How would you feel opening the door to your heart? Is it a comforting, safe, and familiar place? Or is it scary to open the door to your heart--do you feel vulnerable? If so, why do you think this is how you feel? How does this pregnancy and parenthood fit inside your heart? Is there a way that you can hold your lost baby or babies in this imagery and make room to hold your unborn baby?<br />
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This visualization of a warm, welcoming heart--like the one described above--can be a powerfully comforting exercise during this time. As you worry about making it through this pregnancy, you could make this visualization part of your relaxation process to help yourself cope. It may also help to soothe your hurt if you are experiencing more sadness about your previous miscarriage. If this exercise feels uncomfortable and makes you feel too vulnerable, it is a good time to think about why this is so difficult for you. Pregnancy, the act of giving birth, and parenthood are all experiences that can make one feel extremely vulnerable--so it's best to start becoming more comfortable with it now!<br />
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<b>Please help me to become aware of my heart's longings today. Make me open to seeing the possibilities for my life and heart in all areas, not just in the parenthood realm. Help me to envision my heart as a loving and accepting place--a place that can comfort me when I feel sad or scared. If it is threatening to feel vulnerable, help to soften the worries so that I may begin to explore unchartered territory inside myself. My baby will be better for this work that I do for myself to live my best life possible.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-49541168365513677382010-12-20T14:37:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:37:26.339-08:00Walk Towards the Light<b><i>Psalm 30: Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, And give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, But joy comes with the morning...<br />
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You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.</i></b><br />
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Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.<br />
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I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."<br />
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She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?<br />
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<b>If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.<br />
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Merry Christmas!</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-12798200261600963102010-12-14T14:18:00.000-08:002010-12-14T14:18:25.248-08:00Girlfriends<b><i>"Turning her head to look at each of her friends...she saw them as she had never before. They seemed to glow from within, like there were lanterns inside their bodies. They looked very old to her, and very young all at once. They looked invincible and utterly, utterly, fragile. Their bodies were the density and weight that had anchored her, that made her more real. She looked up at them and flooded with gratitude." --Rebecca Wells,YA-YA SISTERHOOD</i></b><br />
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Female friendships are so important in our lives. Many women feel a sense of kinship to other women that we don't find in other close relationships. Women can be silly together, cry together, or be a sounding board for one another. Sometimes all we want is to feel heard and often a girlfriend is just the person to hear us out. Women who have suffered miscarriage often feel comforted sharing their experience with other women. It can be helpful to share about your loss over the previous pregnancy--especially, if you have a friend that has likewise suffered a miscarriage. Being pregnant again, you want to share some of your excitement and anxiety with someone other than your partner--and girlfriends can be great for that too.<br />
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However, a woman who has experienced miscarriage or fertility problems can often feel alone among women. During the childbearing years, many women are pregnant and having babies with seemingly no difficulty--you might feel surrounded by these women. Though miscarriage is common, some women don't talk about their experiences of loss and there is still much shame about pregnancy losses. But, in general, girlfriends help to get us through pregnancy loss, healthy pregnancy, and early parenting. We rely upon each other each step of the way. Be it the girlfriend who doesn't have children, but silently shares in your grief with tears in her eyes; the calm and grounded friend who listens endlessly; the friend who cries when she tells you she's pregnant with her second when you've just miscarried your first pregnancy; the friends that emailed, called, or sent cards after any loss. One friend baked us brownies after a miscarriage--saying that she knew that nothing probably helped, but maybe chocolate would. It did!<br />
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Who can you talk to? Who are the friends that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with? Do you feel alone among other women? How can you begin to feel more comfortable with girlfriends again? Can you talk to your partner or a family member? Family members are wonderful resources, but sometimes it can be even more helpful to talk to a friend. If you felt alone with your loss, or still feel alone with your pregnancy--try to think of someone that you could talk to, write a letter to, or email. <br />
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<b>This week, let me reflect upon my true friends. These people have lightened my load and helped me when I've been heavy hearted. They remind me that sometimes all one needs to feel better is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to simply listen, hold my hand, or help me to laugh. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of who I am and who I was before I suffered a miscarriage--and they can help me see my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. If I am not connecting with other women because of my loss and current anxiety, help me to relax and release my shame. I need girlfriends to help me get through this time. I am truly blessed to have girlfriends in my life...and I want to radiate that feeling down to my growing baby.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-88565221568391940822010-12-06T12:58:00.000-08:002010-12-06T12:58:32.850-08:00Remember Your Dreams<b><i>Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour each day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, ALICE IN WONDERLAND</i></b><br />
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What were your "impossible things" as a child? What are they now? For this week, spend a few minutes reflecting on your life's dreams. What dreams have come true for you and what did it feel like to realize a dream? What dreams are left for you to realize? Obviously, having this healthy baby is one dream that you are hoping to realize. Who are you besides a mother-to-be? What dreams do you share with your partner?<br />
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It is important to remember that you were a woman with many different and varied dreams before you became obsessed with motherhood. Sometimes during fertility issues it is easy to forget who we were before disappointment struck. It is also common to forget the aspects that drew you to your mate and brought you joy in the relationship. Think back and remember the "impossible things" that make you tick--outside of wanting to be a mother or a mother of more children. You will achieve that dream--someway, somehow--that dream WILL come true. But you will be a better mother if all of your dreams are not wrapped up in your children.<br />
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<b> Help me to remember who I am at my core. I think I may have forgotten lately because of my hurt and anxiety. This is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it...but it's time to change my outlook. Help me to check back in with myself and think about my dreams and hopes for the future. Help me to be optimistic and find my innocence again--before this baby arrives and needs me to play, laugh, and imagine!</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-53728833887382314902010-11-30T20:30:00.000-08:002010-11-30T20:30:34.308-08:00Putting It In Perspective<b><i>"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your heart. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." --Desiderata</i></b><br />
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When you've suffered loss and pain in your life (as most people have), it's easy to let yourself feel dismal about our world and future. There are many things about life that are heart wrenching and unfair, and horrible atrocities are committed--one can feel helpless and become quite negative about life. It may not feel this way to you now, but many people suffer through experiences far worse than miscarriage and fertility issues. There are unimaginable hurts that people have endured. It is easier to let oneself slip into feeling powerless,depressed, apathetic, and angry than to slowly pick yourself up and look for the silver lining in painful experiences.<br />
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It is difficult to find the upside to negative situations, and seemingly impossible after suffering a miscarriage. That won't stop concerned loved ones from trying to help you find the silver lining. Many women become frustrated with the well-intentioned attempts of others to comfort them with the comments that their previous loss was "meant to be," or "happened for a reason." These statements are probably innocent, but for the woman who has suffered pregnancy loss they have the power to wound deeply. However, part of the process of putting yourself back together involves letting these comments wash over you. You must let these things go and begin to hope again and believe in the world. You may really have to work at finding hope after loss. However, you are pregnant again. There must be some good in this world!<br />
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<b>For this week, please fill me with renewed hope about the future. Help me to see the brighter things about life--noticing the beauties in nature, the touch of my partner's hand in mine, and a healthy body that can carry this baby to term. Please help me to release the grief that remains in my heart for my lost baby and for any other previous losses in my life. I want to open my heart and make room for this new baby I am growing inside of me.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-40692295840593734702010-11-20T12:31:00.000-08:002010-11-20T12:31:31.649-08:00Strength in Facing the Unknown<b><b><i>"If God sends us on strong paths we are provided strong shoes." --Corrie TenBoom</i></b></b><br />
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You may not believe it right now, but you have the strength to get through this pregnancy. You CAN cope with the anxiety this new pregnancy brings. You CAN cope with the physical and emotional toll that it may take upon you as the weeks and months progress. If you have the unfortunate experience of suffering another miscarriage, you WILL survive it. The odds are in your favor that you will have a healthy pregnancy this time; however, there are some of us who have had a few miscarriages in a row. It is devastating--there is no question about that...but you will survive. You have "stronger shoes" than you realize--this is true for all of us.<br />
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Try to remember that if what you imagine to be the "worst case scenario" occurs with this pregnancy for you and your mate--if you can't get pregnant again, or you continue to have problems carrying your baby to term--you CAN still have a family. After three miscarriages, I had to come to terms with this possibility. If we continued to suffer losses, we could use a surrogate/gestational carrier, adopt children, or become foster parents...we were determined to have a bigger family and would reach that goal somehow. Once I realized that we would eventually have the family of our dreams, I felt more peaceful. I had to get real and alter what my dream could look like.<br />
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What are your strengths that help carry you through this exciting, yet fearful, time? What are your partner's strengths that are helpful to you? Reflect upon the challenges that you've faced in your life--previous losses, traumatic experiences, sad goodbyes, illness that you've conquered, relationship disappointments. Having a miscarriage often brings up previous losses and hurts in your life. How have you coped during hard times? Draw upon those strengths to help get you through the anxiety right now. Remember that you have coped with pain and uncertainty in the past and you can do it again. It will be well worth it when you are holding your precious baby in your arms.<br />
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<b>Please help me to remember that I am strong and brave. This is a challenging journey that I am on, but not an impossible one. There are many women, and couples, who have endured miscarriages and have gone on to have healthy children. I have faith that this will happen for me. Help me to use difficult experiences from my past to help me cope here in the present. Help me to remember that I will realize my dream of becoming a parent or a parent to more children.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-18268057775001667852010-11-10T12:35:00.000-08:002010-11-10T12:35:18.062-08:00Hope<b><i>"Perhaps this very instant is your time." -Louise Bogan</i></b><br />
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Let yourself indulge for a moment that quite possibly this is your time! Most likely, this pregnancy is taking root deep in your body and you are moving towards knowing this baby. It is OK to allow yourself to think about this new life, imagine if it might be a boy or a girl, and begin to love this child. It is natural to be thinking this way and beginning to bond with this baby growing inside of you...even if you've suffered a loss, or losses. Each miscarriage survivor handles her first trimester in her own way--some try to pretend they're not pregnant, some are full of hope, some try to stay grounded, or some have a combination of emotions. Every strategy to cope through the first trimester is really an attempt to protect yourself emotionally should you suffer another pregnancy loss. There really is no way to protect yourself from that pain if indeed you suffer another loss--you will grieve and eventually get back on your path to parenthood.<br />
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Hope is an amazing emotion--so necessary for one's spirit, sense of resilience, and courage to keep living each day. There are many challenges in life--aside from miscarriage and fertility problems--and most people need a morsel of hope to get through the hard times. Hope and the belief that there is good in the world, is what helps to get us out of bed on the days in life when we fear we can't do it. It is important to remember that there is always hope on this path to parenthood. With each passing day, your chance of miscarriage becomes less likely and it is important to hold onto this hope. Miscarriage is unique from some losses in that you have the opportunity to try again--and this is a blessing that you should pause to recognize.<br />
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What is your particular style of handling this precarious first trimester? Are you trying to pretend that you're not pregnant? Do you allow yourself a few fleeting moments of happiness about this baby? How do you think anxiety affects your body and your baby? Do you sometimes feel guilty enjoying this pregnancy because you miss your lost baby or babies? How has hope played a role in your life?<br />
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<b>Help me to realize that I am not jinxing myself if I begin to love this baby. If I suffer another miscarriage, I will be devastated--whether I allowed myself to rejoice in this pregnancy or whether I pretended it did not exist. Help me to send little waves of positive energy and love to help this baby grow inside of me. Bless my lost baby, or babies, and let them know how much I miss them. Help me to understand that my excitement and love for this new baby in no way diminishes my love for my lost baby, or babies. Help me to indulge in hope this week.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-86924826193122051802010-11-01T12:28:00.000-07:002010-11-01T12:28:39.924-07:00Acknowledging Your Partner<b><i>"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi</i></b><br />
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Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?<br />
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My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.<br />
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Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.<br />
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<b>Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-28320226462542491622010-10-25T12:48:00.000-07:002010-10-25T12:48:12.834-07:00Crisis<b><i>"A crisis forces you to create a new life, one that responds to your deepest needs...A crisis shakes up the status quo, spurring you to reevaluate your life and to make the corrections that lead to joy and success." --Laura Day, WELCOME TO YOUR CRISIS: HOW TO USE THE POWER OF CRISIS TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT</i></b><br />
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How did having a miscarriage create a crisis in your life? In what ways did it alter the way you view the world? In what ways did it alter your feelings about pregnancy...how is it impacting you today? Crises arise out of situations that come suddenly and unexpectedly; if one is completely unprepared for what occurs, it is not uncommon for a crisis to happen. In clinical terms, we call the crisis a "precipitating event." Often this event has a ripple effect that influences many areas of a person's life and functioning--both in positive and negative ways.<br />
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This week, spend a few moments reflecting on what impact the crisis of miscarriage had in your life and how you are moving forward from it. It is important to recognize if you allowed yourself to grieve the loss and move on when you felt ready. Now you are pregnant again--likely feeling excited and scared at the same time. Many women experience the crisis of miscarriage to take away some of the innocence and magic of pregnancy and motherhood. This loss of "innocence" can be saddening, yet remember that pregnancy is a means to an end. In other words, the end goal is to have a healthy baby not just to have a blissful and magical pregnancy. The crisis of miscarriage can help one be more realistic that having a family is a <b><i>process</i></b>.<br />
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What have been the repercussions in your life from the crisis of miscarriage? Do you view pregnancy and parenthood differently? Do you feel jaded and like the "Scrooge of Pregnancy"? Do you feel in crisis now that you are pregnant again? How do you best cope with crisis? How does your partner cope with crisis? Did you learn anything about your loss experience and your particular way of coping with it that can help you now or in the future?<br />
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<b>This week, please help me to understand the ways that the crisis of miscarriage affected my life and feelings about pregnancy. It is important for me to feel calm, and not in crisis, as I am now pregnant again...and need to focus on taking good care of myself. This current pregnancy may have created a mini-crisis of anxiety for me. Help me to be strong and comfort me in the moments when I feel overwhelmed and full of despair. Help me to see that I can make it through no matter how this pregnancy turns out. Help me to identify coping strategies that were helpful so that I may utilize them in the future if the need should arise.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-86533208207839813372010-10-18T13:10:00.000-07:002010-10-18T13:10:01.680-07:00Letting Go of Perfection<b><i>"So what I want to say to you today is this: if this sounds, in any way, familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect in one way or another, too, then make today...the day to put down the backpack. Trying to be perfect may be sort of inevitable for people like us, who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level, it's too hard, and at another, it's too cheap and easy...But this is worse: that someday, sometime, you will be somewhere, maybe on a day like today--maybe something bad will have happened: you will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something you wanted to succeed at very much. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for that core to sustain you. If you have been perfect all your life, and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where your core ought to be. Don't take that chance...And it will make all the difference in the world. Take it from someone who has left the backpack full of bricks behind. Every day feels light as a feather. --Anna Quindlen's Commencement Speech, Mt. Holyoke College </i></b><br />
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In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm. <br />
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This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.<br />
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<b>Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-12173300545471425312010-10-12T15:54:00.000-07:002010-10-12T15:54:30.058-07:00Accepting Support From Others<b><i>"Thanks for showing me that even on the darkest, rainiest of days the sun is still there, just behind the clouds, waiting to shine again." --Lisa Harlow<i><b></b></i></i></b><br />
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You are likely feeling vulnerable right now and beginning to build up a wall to protect yourself--from hurting again if there was a disappointment, from friends and loved ones because you don't want to share that you're pregnant again in case of a loss, and possibly even from your partner because you want to to wallow in your anxiety alone. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and support, especially during this time. You may not be feeling well already and certainly you are worrying because you've had at least one previous loss.<br />
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For many women, it is uncomfortable to be vulnerable, needy, anxious, and emotional--we may not be that kind of person that likes to depend on other people. We may be the kind of person that is always there when a friend needs support, but feels uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. But, the roles are reversed now. Try to allow others to help get you what you need--a backrub, a "chick flick," a nice walk along the beach with a friend, a friend to call after each doctor appointment, or for your partner to hold your hand and tell you "everything is going to be ok." One of the first lessons of motherhood is that you can't do it alone. You will need support, almost immediately. So, if this is a challenge for you--allow yourself to begin the process of letting some trusted people assist and comfort you. You might be surprised how much it helps...and how rewarding it is for your partner or close friends to be there for you.<br />
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Do you generally let others help you? Have you been able to allow your partner or loves ones share part of the burden of this pregnancy? What support feels the most beneficial for you--and have you communicated that to the necessary people that can help? How will this process of accepting support from others help you as a mother? Do you want to provide a role model for your children of someone who can accept help from others?<br />
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<b>Help me to relax this week and begin to let down my guard. I feel like I am on the edge and in a fight or flight mode. It is uncomfortable to be scared and vulnerable, but I do have loved ones that I can rely upon. It is hard to not be in control...and to not share what's going on in my life with others. Please help me to identify a few trusted souls that I can share my pregnancy with to help ease the burden. Help me to accept loving support from people around me--all of this help will also benefit my growing baby.<b></b></b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676481386237642412.post-66033241369886185622010-10-04T13:09:00.000-07:002010-10-04T13:09:31.840-07:00Sacrifice and Self-Care<b><i>"We cannot do great things--only small things with great love." <br />
--Mother Theresa</i></b><br />
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There are so many opportunities during pregnancy and parenthood to do small things with great love. It is the beginning of a less selfish time in one's life...and often the simplest pleasures bring tremendous joy to your spirit and those around you. Pregnancy is a time to love yourself and the baby inside of you in little ways each day--taking walks if you feel good, eating healthy, allowing your partner to give you backrubs, taking baths, and napping when possible. When you become pregnant, especially after having a miscarriage, every choice you make each day about food, sleep, and exercise considers the baby inside of you. You are making many small sacrifices each day while trying to carry this baby to term.<br />
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Many women have to make even bigger sacrifices throughout the course of their pregnancy--and they especially need to ask for support and take good care of themselves. Some women need bed rest, some have to take medications or do injections, some need progesterone suppositories, some need infusions of good antibodies, some do acupuncture, and some are constantly monitored by doctors. You may be a woman who had to do fertility treatments to become pregnant, which may have included a whole multitude of sacrifices and stressors. There are days when you may feel like a lab rat and just want to cry. If this is your situation, try to remind yourself that you <i>chose</i> this route to have this child...and that there are women who may even have more medical intervention to achieve a healthy pregnancy. The desire to have children is so strong that it often outweighs the risks and inconveniences that women have to go through. Despite the daily challenges, we can all feel thankful that we live in an age where there are medical interventions that can be of assistance. Honestly, all of these challenges and inconveniences will melt away when you hold this baby in your arms.<br />
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During pregnancy is a great time to begin taking better care of yourself and getting your needs met. It is an important motherhood lesson to learn--when better to begin good self-care than now? What activities make you feel better? Time alone, taking a walk, writing in a journal, exercising, cooking, or going to lunch with a friend? Nurture your own life while creating life.<br />
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What sacrifices are you making for this pregnancy? Do you need to ask for more support? What are the little ways that you can love yourself and your baby right now? What activites can you work into your routine that allow you to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? How well do you take care of yourself now--how do you think this may change when the baby arrives?<br />
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<b>On my hard days, when I am filled with anxiety and stress, help me to remember all that I am doing each day to support this life growing inside of me. I am doing everything possible to take care of myself and my baby. This week, let me have the strength and perseverance when I feel like a "lab rat"--and help me to remember the end is in sight. Guide me into activities that provide sustenance for my body, mind, and spirit. Help me to give myself what I need right now.</b>Leah Niehaus, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16652225653060007322noreply@blogger.com0