"Being attached to the future is still attachment." --Rusty Berkus
Sometimes we are so forward-looking, especially when we're pregnant, that we forget to live in the present. Especially when you've suffered a miscarriage, your life is ruled by the calendar and frantically trying to get through the pregnancy milestones. Taking one day at a time really does allow us more time to fully experience the day's events. If we constantly focus on next week, next month, or which baby swing/bouncer/rocking chair to get--we miss the opportunity to see and experience the miracles of today. You are pregnant and this is a special time in your life and within your body. It might be nice to slow down, think about what's occurring in your body, and share this with your partner. After all, you cannot control the past or future...so you may as well focus on today. It's easier said than done, but it's not impossible.
Children are a wonderful reminder of the joys while living in the present. They will hardly allow you a moment of peace to contemplate the future until they are sound asleep! Think about how you want to live your life...and what being attached to the future looks like for you. What kind of balance can you strike in this area of your life? Think about what makes you feel more comfortable, more at peace, and able to enjoy this current day and your pregnancy.
Are you spending too much time thinking about the future, not focusing on the current day? Is this creating anxiety for you? Does it calm you to plan the near future? Is there a way for you to allow yourself some planning time if this relieves anxiety, but then move on to enjoying the current moment? Have you always been one to think about the future to excess? If so, how do you think this might affect your parenting?
Help me to take one day at a time...this is enough for me right now. My body is working hard to take care of this baby and I need to give myself permission to live for this day. The future will work itself out. Help me to visualize myself as calm, centered, and nurturing this little baby inside of me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Be Your Own Heroine
"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." --Nora Ephron
We've all suffered hurts in our lives that have been so challenging and overwhelming that we didn't know how we would cope and move forward. Most of us usually are able to pick up the pieces and begin to heal and feel better. Some of us struggle more with this in our lives--and as a result, feel victimized, angry, and walk around with a chip on our shoulder for years. Yes, you've suffered a pregnancy loss and are anxious about this current pregnancy...yet, it is so much healthier to view oneself as a survivor, a heroine of your own life. Viewing yourself as a victim is an easy trap to fall into, especially if you've had multiple losses or hurts in your life. However, if you refocus your energy on your strengths, perseverance, dedication to having a healthy pregnancy, and hope for the future--it can have a remarkable effect on your outlook and the way you live your life.
In what ways can you take charge of your life so that you feel more empowered? Are there ways that you want to feel more self-efficacious at work or home? Are there ways in which you'd like to take control of your medical treatment? Is it time for you to speak up about something? One way that you can ease some of your anxiety about this pregnancy, is by renting a Doppler to use at home. This is a wonderful option that can quickly reassure you if you are feeling nervous. Dopplers are available online and allow you to listen to your baby's heartbeat at home. Depending on the baby's position, you may be able to locate the heartbeat on your own now so this may be a useful option to calm your nerves.
Are you the heroine or victim of your life? If you feel that you are a victim, are you uncomfortable and unhappy enough in this role to make a change? Are there ways that you can feel more empowered in this pregnancy and in your life in general? What lessons do you want to teach this baby growing inside of you about overcoming challenges? How do you want this child to view you as a parent and a person in the world?
Help me to explore within myself whether I walk around this world as a heroine or a victim of my own life. Perhaps my own parents perceived themselves as victims and I didn't have a good role model for being a survivor. It is time for me to take care of myself, empower myself, and take charge of my life. I want to walk around with my chin up and I know that I can do this--and it will make me so much happier. I want this baby to know that I am strong, brave, and proud of who I am.
We've all suffered hurts in our lives that have been so challenging and overwhelming that we didn't know how we would cope and move forward. Most of us usually are able to pick up the pieces and begin to heal and feel better. Some of us struggle more with this in our lives--and as a result, feel victimized, angry, and walk around with a chip on our shoulder for years. Yes, you've suffered a pregnancy loss and are anxious about this current pregnancy...yet, it is so much healthier to view oneself as a survivor, a heroine of your own life. Viewing yourself as a victim is an easy trap to fall into, especially if you've had multiple losses or hurts in your life. However, if you refocus your energy on your strengths, perseverance, dedication to having a healthy pregnancy, and hope for the future--it can have a remarkable effect on your outlook and the way you live your life.
In what ways can you take charge of your life so that you feel more empowered? Are there ways that you want to feel more self-efficacious at work or home? Are there ways in which you'd like to take control of your medical treatment? Is it time for you to speak up about something? One way that you can ease some of your anxiety about this pregnancy, is by renting a Doppler to use at home. This is a wonderful option that can quickly reassure you if you are feeling nervous. Dopplers are available online and allow you to listen to your baby's heartbeat at home. Depending on the baby's position, you may be able to locate the heartbeat on your own now so this may be a useful option to calm your nerves.
Are you the heroine or victim of your life? If you feel that you are a victim, are you uncomfortable and unhappy enough in this role to make a change? Are there ways that you can feel more empowered in this pregnancy and in your life in general? What lessons do you want to teach this baby growing inside of you about overcoming challenges? How do you want this child to view you as a parent and a person in the world?
Help me to explore within myself whether I walk around this world as a heroine or a victim of my own life. Perhaps my own parents perceived themselves as victims and I didn't have a good role model for being a survivor. It is time for me to take care of myself, empower myself, and take charge of my life. I want to walk around with my chin up and I know that I can do this--and it will make me so much happier. I want this baby to know that I am strong, brave, and proud of who I am.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Embracing the Moment
"In life, there are no ordinary moments. Most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." --Kathleen Magee
It is important to be present in our lives. Sometimes we are so caught up in the daily grind, the worries about everything going on in the world, planning too far into the future...that we lose sight of what is going around us and within us. Today, pause and look around you: who is beside you, what were your joys of today, and how is your body feeling with this growing baby inside of you?
Take a moment to really let life sink in. Thank the people beside you that have been supportive and loving in your life. Cuddle with your pets. Pat your tummy--allow yourself to feel thankful for this little miracle growing inside of you. Indeed, these are not just ordinary moments...unless you let them slip by.
Now is the time to begin being "awake" in our lives--when you have this baby, the moments will slip by all too quickly. Learn to relish the wonderful moments in your life now. You will look back on this pregnancy and time in your life later and wish you could re-experience parts of it again. It is easier to count your blessings when you have slowed down enough to reflect.
For this week, help me to slow down and take an inventory of what is going on in my life. Help me to live in the present, enjoy the moment, and not to obsess about the future. After all, I don't have control of the future, but I can enjoy today. Help me to focus on the good and positive aspects of life and the people around me.
It is important to be present in our lives. Sometimes we are so caught up in the daily grind, the worries about everything going on in the world, planning too far into the future...that we lose sight of what is going around us and within us. Today, pause and look around you: who is beside you, what were your joys of today, and how is your body feeling with this growing baby inside of you?
Take a moment to really let life sink in. Thank the people beside you that have been supportive and loving in your life. Cuddle with your pets. Pat your tummy--allow yourself to feel thankful for this little miracle growing inside of you. Indeed, these are not just ordinary moments...unless you let them slip by.
Now is the time to begin being "awake" in our lives--when you have this baby, the moments will slip by all too quickly. Learn to relish the wonderful moments in your life now. You will look back on this pregnancy and time in your life later and wish you could re-experience parts of it again. It is easier to count your blessings when you have slowed down enough to reflect.
For this week, help me to slow down and take an inventory of what is going on in my life. Help me to live in the present, enjoy the moment, and not to obsess about the future. After all, I don't have control of the future, but I can enjoy today. Help me to focus on the good and positive aspects of life and the people around me.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Remembering
"There are disappointments that wring us ,there are those which inflict a wound whose mark we bear to our graves. Such are so keen that no future gratification of the same desire can ever obliterate them: they become registered as a permanent loss of happiness." --Thomas Hardy, A PAIR OF BLUE EYES
It is surprising to some women how much they still think about their lost baby or babies. It's common to remember them on their due dates, around the time they were conceived, on the date of your miscarriage, at holidays, or when you see a child who is the same age that your child would have been. These rememberings can often crop up at random times like during a movie, in a dream, or in a sad moment alone. They were a part of you and some women find it hard to totally let go. Everyone has a different experience with this--and this is OK. Even now that you're pregnant again, you may still find your mind drifting to your lost angel or angels.
One of the hardest parts about miscarriage can be how you feel so alone with it. In one book about miscarriage, it begins by saying "Welcome to a lonely club..." Often couples haven't told anyone they were pregnant and they then suffer silently. Even couples who have shared the joyful news of pregnancy with others, still feel alone because no one "knew" the baby. In reading Elizabeth Edward's memoir, SAVING GRACES, which discussed the death of their teenage son, she mentions how she doesn't want anyone to forget about his existence. You may identify with this concept and feel strongly that you don't want yourself or anyone else to forget about the existence of this very tiny soul.
For this week, think about if there is a way you can keep your lost baby in your heart and still move on with your current life. Is there something special you can do on a yearly/monthly basis that will help you remember the life that was lost to you? How can remembering your lost baby or babies help you free yourself to love this new baby that you are carrying? There are many ways that one can symbolically remember their lost child. One grief website had an option to post your miscarriage date and it becomes "the day my angel got its wings." That may feel comforting. One could plant a tree or flowers, donate to a children's charity, write a poem for the lost child, say a prayer at night, or support miscarriage or women's health research. Think about what ways of remembering might hold meaning for you--they may help you to continue to heal and allow you to keep moving forward in your own pregnancy. If you aren't comfortable remembering, why not?
Help me to connect with the little soul or souls that I have lost along this path to motherhood. If it comforting to me, help me to find a way to remember that unborn child in a special way. If it is more comforting to me to let the baby or babies go, then please help me to release him/her to the heavens. Help me to hold a stillness in my heart for the losses, as well as an openness in my heart for this new and healthy life inside of me.
It is surprising to some women how much they still think about their lost baby or babies. It's common to remember them on their due dates, around the time they were conceived, on the date of your miscarriage, at holidays, or when you see a child who is the same age that your child would have been. These rememberings can often crop up at random times like during a movie, in a dream, or in a sad moment alone. They were a part of you and some women find it hard to totally let go. Everyone has a different experience with this--and this is OK. Even now that you're pregnant again, you may still find your mind drifting to your lost angel or angels.
One of the hardest parts about miscarriage can be how you feel so alone with it. In one book about miscarriage, it begins by saying "Welcome to a lonely club..." Often couples haven't told anyone they were pregnant and they then suffer silently. Even couples who have shared the joyful news of pregnancy with others, still feel alone because no one "knew" the baby. In reading Elizabeth Edward's memoir, SAVING GRACES, which discussed the death of their teenage son, she mentions how she doesn't want anyone to forget about his existence. You may identify with this concept and feel strongly that you don't want yourself or anyone else to forget about the existence of this very tiny soul.
For this week, think about if there is a way you can keep your lost baby in your heart and still move on with your current life. Is there something special you can do on a yearly/monthly basis that will help you remember the life that was lost to you? How can remembering your lost baby or babies help you free yourself to love this new baby that you are carrying? There are many ways that one can symbolically remember their lost child. One grief website had an option to post your miscarriage date and it becomes "the day my angel got its wings." That may feel comforting. One could plant a tree or flowers, donate to a children's charity, write a poem for the lost child, say a prayer at night, or support miscarriage or women's health research. Think about what ways of remembering might hold meaning for you--they may help you to continue to heal and allow you to keep moving forward in your own pregnancy. If you aren't comfortable remembering, why not?
Help me to connect with the little soul or souls that I have lost along this path to motherhood. If it comforting to me, help me to find a way to remember that unborn child in a special way. If it is more comforting to me to let the baby or babies go, then please help me to release him/her to the heavens. Help me to hold a stillness in my heart for the losses, as well as an openness in my heart for this new and healthy life inside of me.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Seeking Your Internal Home
"Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own." --Oprah Winfrey
It can be such a challenge to silence our minds and the world around us. We are bombarded everyday with so much information, things to remember, places to go, people to see, errands to run, people to listen to...it can be truly overwhelming. This can feel particularly relevant in the midst of reproductive challenges and fears--in addition to the normal chatter of life, there are more doctor's appointments, tests to be done, family and friends to update, and partners who also need their thoughts and feelings validated. Of course, one is also supposed to manage work, a home, pets, and your own aching self! Now you may be feeling burdened with people's comments about your current pregnancy...or you may have chosen to keep the pregnancy quiet for the time being, which comes with its own set of difficulties, too.
Wherever you are for today, make time to quiet your mind and begin listening to yourself. How are youfeeling today? If you heart could speak, what would it say? Are you listening to yourself or does it feel odd to "check in" with yourself? In my therapy work with adolescents, I often discuss the concept of an "internal home" with them. In life, it is often comforting if you have a place inside that you can go to when you need comfort, hope, sustenance, or guidance. This should be a place of peacefulness and should reflect your authentic self--it should feel like a home inside yourself. For me, I picture sitting on a rock beach on Flathead Lake in Montana. It is a spot I've visited since my childhood and feels familiar, safe, and comforting to me. It captures much of what I hold sacred: the sound of water, a clear horizon, mountains above the shore, a spiritual presence, and wonderful memories of family and childhood. I can hear my own voice there--and it's great that I can access it anytime if I just slow down and close my eyes for a few minutes.
What is your internal home like? Do you often visit it and does it bring you comfort? Do you like being able to rely on yourself to soothe and heal the broken parts? Or do you prefer talking things through with a friend or loved one? Are there times when it might be good to tune everyone else out for a moment? What do you wish for your unborn baby in this regard? The better you are equipped to nurture yourself...the easier it will be to nurture your little baby on the way.
This week, help me to take a few moments to quiet the world around me. Help me to take a few deep breaths and really check in with myself. If I am uncomfortable being alone with myself, help me recognize that...and help me begin to prepare for moments of solitary strength and confidence that will be needed on this journey to motherhood. All that I do today to become more self-aware will benefit myself and my child.
It can be such a challenge to silence our minds and the world around us. We are bombarded everyday with so much information, things to remember, places to go, people to see, errands to run, people to listen to...it can be truly overwhelming. This can feel particularly relevant in the midst of reproductive challenges and fears--in addition to the normal chatter of life, there are more doctor's appointments, tests to be done, family and friends to update, and partners who also need their thoughts and feelings validated. Of course, one is also supposed to manage work, a home, pets, and your own aching self! Now you may be feeling burdened with people's comments about your current pregnancy...or you may have chosen to keep the pregnancy quiet for the time being, which comes with its own set of difficulties, too.
Wherever you are for today, make time to quiet your mind and begin listening to yourself. How are youfeeling today? If you heart could speak, what would it say? Are you listening to yourself or does it feel odd to "check in" with yourself? In my therapy work with adolescents, I often discuss the concept of an "internal home" with them. In life, it is often comforting if you have a place inside that you can go to when you need comfort, hope, sustenance, or guidance. This should be a place of peacefulness and should reflect your authentic self--it should feel like a home inside yourself. For me, I picture sitting on a rock beach on Flathead Lake in Montana. It is a spot I've visited since my childhood and feels familiar, safe, and comforting to me. It captures much of what I hold sacred: the sound of water, a clear horizon, mountains above the shore, a spiritual presence, and wonderful memories of family and childhood. I can hear my own voice there--and it's great that I can access it anytime if I just slow down and close my eyes for a few minutes.
What is your internal home like? Do you often visit it and does it bring you comfort? Do you like being able to rely on yourself to soothe and heal the broken parts? Or do you prefer talking things through with a friend or loved one? Are there times when it might be good to tune everyone else out for a moment? What do you wish for your unborn baby in this regard? The better you are equipped to nurture yourself...the easier it will be to nurture your little baby on the way.
This week, help me to take a few moments to quiet the world around me. Help me to take a few deep breaths and really check in with myself. If I am uncomfortable being alone with myself, help me recognize that...and help me begin to prepare for moments of solitary strength and confidence that will be needed on this journey to motherhood. All that I do today to become more self-aware will benefit myself and my child.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Optimism
"Life is never beyond hope." --Rudolfo Anaya, BLESS ME ULTIMA
Our thinking affects our feelings and behavior--just as our feelings affect the way we think about experiences. However, we tend to have more control over our thought processes than mastery over controlling our emotions. It is extremely common to have a negative tape running through our minds all day long--an inner critic calling ourselves names and making us feel badly about ourselves. After a pregnancy loss, it is not uncommon to be distraught, down, or experience depressing thoughts. However, to wallow in this negative thinking for too long will only make one feel worse about the situation. Time is a good healer for this negative thinking--and a subsequent pregnancy is a good positive distraction.
There is one silver lining of miscarriage and that is the opportunity to try and get pregnant again. There was hope that you would get pregnant again--and you DID--and now there is hope that you will carry this baby to term. I know it is a guarded hope since you've experienced a loss...but it is sill hope. It is a precious gift to be pregnant again and one that is worth relishing for a few moments today. There is actually a lot to be said for having an optimistic attitude to help you cope with the stress of a first trimester.
What negative thoughts cross your mind each day? How are these thoughts affecting your feelings? Is it time to think more positively? It is important for the baby to feel your faith and hope for this pregnancy--you can start to do this by letting more light and hope into your mind and heart. It is time to make room for the baby growing inside of you and let go of some of the negativity that has been following you around. You have had a set-back, a misfortune by having a miscarriage--but now you have also been blessed. It's so much more relaxing and soothing to focus on the current blessings present in your life.
Help me to slow down today and recognize the power of my thinking upon my feelings throughout the day. Help me to treat myself kindly and stop berating myself in every way. Help me to quiet the negative voice in my head that creates more anxiety in me about this pregnancy. Allow me to focus on the positive things happening in my life this very moment--and begin to allow the hope to seep in in manageable moments. I am scared to be too optimistic and hopeful, yet I want to begin allowing positive feelings in.
Our thinking affects our feelings and behavior--just as our feelings affect the way we think about experiences. However, we tend to have more control over our thought processes than mastery over controlling our emotions. It is extremely common to have a negative tape running through our minds all day long--an inner critic calling ourselves names and making us feel badly about ourselves. After a pregnancy loss, it is not uncommon to be distraught, down, or experience depressing thoughts. However, to wallow in this negative thinking for too long will only make one feel worse about the situation. Time is a good healer for this negative thinking--and a subsequent pregnancy is a good positive distraction.
There is one silver lining of miscarriage and that is the opportunity to try and get pregnant again. There was hope that you would get pregnant again--and you DID--and now there is hope that you will carry this baby to term. I know it is a guarded hope since you've experienced a loss...but it is sill hope. It is a precious gift to be pregnant again and one that is worth relishing for a few moments today. There is actually a lot to be said for having an optimistic attitude to help you cope with the stress of a first trimester.
What negative thoughts cross your mind each day? How are these thoughts affecting your feelings? Is it time to think more positively? It is important for the baby to feel your faith and hope for this pregnancy--you can start to do this by letting more light and hope into your mind and heart. It is time to make room for the baby growing inside of you and let go of some of the negativity that has been following you around. You have had a set-back, a misfortune by having a miscarriage--but now you have also been blessed. It's so much more relaxing and soothing to focus on the current blessings present in your life.
Help me to slow down today and recognize the power of my thinking upon my feelings throughout the day. Help me to treat myself kindly and stop berating myself in every way. Help me to quiet the negative voice in my head that creates more anxiety in me about this pregnancy. Allow me to focus on the positive things happening in my life this very moment--and begin to allow the hope to seep in in manageable moments. I am scared to be too optimistic and hopeful, yet I want to begin allowing positive feelings in.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Taking Risk
"...there are times in a person's life when to risk everything is the only affirmation of life." --Alice Walker
When we pregnant for the fifth time, and had already suffered three miscarriages, it felt like some of our friends and family thought we were crazy. They had watched us suffer multiple losses, heard about the extensive medical workup, and observed the financial stress of testing and treatments. There was undoubtedly a physical and emotional toll on both of us...and we already had one beautiful, miracle child--why push it?
It was hard for us to explain our feelings about wanting to still grow our family, despite all the pain and difficulty. We felt that we had to take the risk...and just felt like somehow we would know if we needed to stop this process or switch gears somehow. We had to consider all options--maybe I wouldn't be able to carry another baby for us and we'd need to consider a surrogate. Maybe we would consider adoption or foster parenting...all we knew was that our hearts had more room for more children to love and raise and that we wanted a sibling for our daughter. At some point, we became more confident in our goals and didn't care if others could not understand. We knew their intentions were good--they just did not want us to suffer--and that was comforting, though frustrating at times.
What do you feel like you're risking? Are you feeling supported in that risk? Are you trying to please or appease too many people? How can you stay true to yourself in this process?
Help me to be clear in my mind about my desires for a family today. Help me to filter out any noise from others, if it doesn't feel supportive. Help me to make special time with my spouse this week to comfort each other and feel solid in this pregnancy and our desire to have/or build our little family. Please help me to LIVE my life the way I want to and not to look back with regret later in life.
When we pregnant for the fifth time, and had already suffered three miscarriages, it felt like some of our friends and family thought we were crazy. They had watched us suffer multiple losses, heard about the extensive medical workup, and observed the financial stress of testing and treatments. There was undoubtedly a physical and emotional toll on both of us...and we already had one beautiful, miracle child--why push it?
It was hard for us to explain our feelings about wanting to still grow our family, despite all the pain and difficulty. We felt that we had to take the risk...and just felt like somehow we would know if we needed to stop this process or switch gears somehow. We had to consider all options--maybe I wouldn't be able to carry another baby for us and we'd need to consider a surrogate. Maybe we would consider adoption or foster parenting...all we knew was that our hearts had more room for more children to love and raise and that we wanted a sibling for our daughter. At some point, we became more confident in our goals and didn't care if others could not understand. We knew their intentions were good--they just did not want us to suffer--and that was comforting, though frustrating at times.
What do you feel like you're risking? Are you feeling supported in that risk? Are you trying to please or appease too many people? How can you stay true to yourself in this process?
Help me to be clear in my mind about my desires for a family today. Help me to filter out any noise from others, if it doesn't feel supportive. Help me to make special time with my spouse this week to comfort each other and feel solid in this pregnancy and our desire to have/or build our little family. Please help me to LIVE my life the way I want to and not to look back with regret later in life.
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