Seeking Your Internal Home

"Alone time is when I distance myself from the voices of the world so I can hear my own." --Oprah Winfrey

It can be such a challenge to silence our minds and the world around us. We are bombarded everyday with so much information, things to remember, places to go, people to see, errands to run, people to listen to...it can be truly overwhelming. This can feel particularly relevant in the midst of reproductive challenges and fears--in addition to the normal chatter of life, there are more doctor's appointments, tests to be done, family and friends to update, and partners who also need their thoughts and feelings validated. Of course, one is also supposed to manage work, a home, pets, and your own aching self! Now you may be feeling burdened with people's comments about your current pregnancy...or you may have chosen to keep the pregnancy quiet for the time being, which comes with its own set of difficulties, too.

Wherever you are for today, make time to quiet your mind and begin listening to yourself. How are youfeeling today? If you heart could speak, what would it say? Are you listening to yourself or does it feel odd to "check in" with yourself? In my therapy work with adolescents, I often discuss the concept of an "internal home" with them. In life, it is often comforting if you have a place inside that you can go to when you need comfort, hope, sustenance, or guidance. This should be a place of peacefulness and should reflect your authentic self--it should feel like a home inside yourself. For me, I picture sitting on a rock beach on Flathead Lake in Montana. It is a spot I've visited since my childhood and feels familiar, safe, and comforting to me. It captures much of what I hold sacred: the sound of water, a clear horizon, mountains above the shore, a spiritual presence, and wonderful memories of family and childhood. I can hear my own voice there--and it's great that I can access it anytime if I just slow down and close my eyes for a few minutes.

What is your internal home like? Do you often visit it and does it bring you comfort? Do you like being able to rely on yourself to soothe and heal the broken parts? Or do you prefer talking things through with a friend or loved one? Are there times when it might be good to tune everyone else out for a moment? What do you wish for your unborn baby in this regard? The better you are equipped to nurture yourself...the easier it will be to nurture your little baby on the way.

This week, help me to take a few moments to quiet the world around me. Help me to take a few deep breaths and really check in with myself. If I am uncomfortable being alone with myself, help me recognize that...and help me begin to prepare for moments of solitary strength and confidence that will be needed on this journey to motherhood. All that I do today to become more self-aware will benefit myself and my child.

Optimism

"Life is never beyond hope." --Rudolfo Anaya, BLESS ME ULTIMA

Our thinking affects our feelings and behavior--just as our feelings affect the way we think about experiences. However, we tend to have more control over our thought processes than mastery over controlling our emotions. It is extremely common to have a negative tape running through our minds all day long--an inner critic calling ourselves names and making us feel badly about ourselves. After a pregnancy loss, it is not uncommon to be distraught, down, or experience depressing thoughts. However, to wallow in this negative thinking for too long will only make one feel worse about the situation. Time is a good healer for this negative thinking--and a subsequent pregnancy is a good positive distraction.

There is one silver lining of miscarriage and that is the opportunity to try and get pregnant again. There was hope that you would get pregnant again--and you DID--and now there is hope that you will carry this baby to term. I know it is a guarded hope since you've experienced a loss...but it is sill hope. It is a precious gift to be pregnant again and one that is worth relishing for a few moments today. There is actually a lot to be said for having an optimistic attitude to help you cope with the stress of a first trimester.

What negative thoughts cross your mind each day? How are these thoughts affecting your feelings? Is it time to think more positively? It is important for the baby to feel your faith and hope for this pregnancy--you can start to do this by letting more light and hope into your mind and heart. It is time to make room for the baby growing inside of you and let go of some of the negativity that has been following you around. You have had a set-back, a misfortune by having a miscarriage--but now you have also been blessed. It's so much more relaxing and soothing to focus on the current blessings present in your life.

Help me to slow down today and recognize the power of my thinking upon my feelings throughout the day. Help me to treat myself kindly and stop berating myself in every way. Help me to quiet the negative voice in my head that creates more anxiety in me about this pregnancy. Allow me to focus on the positive things happening in my life this very moment--and begin to allow the hope to seep in in manageable moments. I am scared to be too optimistic and hopeful, yet I want to begin allowing positive feelings in.

Taking Risk

"...there are times in a person's life when to risk everything is the only affirmation of life." --Alice Walker

When we pregnant for the fifth time, and had already suffered three miscarriages, it felt like some of our friends and family thought we were crazy. They had watched us suffer multiple losses, heard about the extensive medical workup, and observed the financial stress of testing and treatments. There was undoubtedly a physical and emotional toll on both of us...and we already had one beautiful, miracle child--why push it?

It was hard for us to explain our feelings about wanting to still grow our family, despite all the pain and difficulty. We felt that we had to take the risk...and just felt like somehow we would know if we needed to stop this process or switch gears somehow. We had to consider all options--maybe I wouldn't be able to carry another baby for us and we'd need to consider a surrogate. Maybe we would consider adoption or foster parenting...all we knew was that our hearts had more room for more children to love and raise and that we wanted a sibling for our daughter. At some point, we became more confident in our goals and didn't care if others could not understand. We knew their intentions were good--they just did not want us to suffer--and that was comforting, though frustrating at times.

What do you feel like you're risking? Are you feeling supported in that risk? Are you trying to please or appease too many people? How can you stay true to yourself in this process?

Help me to be clear in my mind about my desires for a family today. Help me to filter out any noise from others, if it doesn't feel supportive. Help me to make special time with my spouse this week to comfort each other and feel solid in this pregnancy and our desire to have/or build our little family. Please help me to LIVE my life the way I want to and not to look back with regret later in life.

Broken Parts

"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken." --William Stafford

One of the "gifts" after suffering a loss of any type is that you are given the opportunity to reevaluate your life and try to mend your heart and life to enable you to move forward. I know that there was no part of your miscarriage or miscarriages that felt like a gift--it was very difficult for me to ever find a silver lining. Pain is pain...and loss is loss. The only positives that came out of the losses were my own personal growth and the deeper bond between my husband and I.

Many people tried to comfort me with the adage,"everything happens for a reason." Sometimes people are implying that something went wrong with the baby and the miscarriage was nature's way of taking care of the problem. I always felt this was extremely insensitive, even if the person's intentions were good and even if there was a genetic problem with the baby. Sometimes people say "everything happens for a reason" and mean it in a larger sense--a spiritual sense--that this loss needed to occur. I have really struggled with this concept in my life. On the one hand, I believe that there is always something to be learned from a horrible situation--so no situation is without some bit of gleaning about the world/life/people etc. However, I also believe that there is suffering in the world that is terrible and unexplainable--meaning there is no reason it had to happen (think about the Holocaust, a child being hit by a car, senseless violent crimes). After grappling with this issue, I have come to some peace in the idea that my God is a loving God--and doesn't enjoy seeing us suffer senselessly either. I believe that there are terrible losses that God wishes didn't happen as well--and miscarriage is one of them. This way of thinking helped me to build my "parachute" to cope with my pregnancies after loss.

Have you been able to mend your broken parts to help you cope with your current pregnancy? Do you feel guilty in loving this new baby? How do you conceive of your miscarriage and God's role in it, if any? What words were most comforting to you after your loss?

Help me to see my broken parts clearly and continue to help me try to heal them. I want to heal these sad and hurting parts before this baby arrives--and in time to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible. Help me to make sense of why suffering and loss occurs and to cope with its aftermath. After I think about these topics, please help me to rest my tired mind.

Evaluating Happiness

"Happiness is not about successes...it is about feeling significant." --Dr. Robert Holden, Happiness Researcher and psychologist

So many of us fall into thinking that we will be happy...if we have a bigger house, if we find a husband, if we get a raise, or if we can have a baby. It is easy to fall into this way of thinking, striving, comparing in today's competitive world. It seems there is always someone right next to us that is smarter, more fit, wealthier, more outgoing, more fertile, and the list goes on. It is time to take a step back from this way of thinking--and challenge yourself. Do achievements make you happy? Do material things make you happy? Do successes make you happy?

All achievements/successes/material items can temporarily life anyone's spirits. However, true happiness comes from the inside of one's soul--a truly happy person is satisfied with themselves and their life, regardless of recent accumulations/successes. Truly content people are also able to persevere and maintain their optimistic vantage point, even after tragedy strikes.

For this week, reflect upon happiness and the role it plays in your life--and how your outlook on life will affect your coming baby. Take a moment to think about these five questions, called The Satisfaction With Life Scale, developed by Ed Diener at the University of Illinois. Rank each item from 1-7 in your mind (1=not at all true, 7=absolutely true).
1. In most ways, my life is ideal.
2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
3. I am satisfied with my life.
4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.

What did you learn about yourself? The higher your total score, the happier you are. How do you think your feelings about yourself and outlook on life will affect your mothering and new baby? How are you significant? If you don't feel significant, how can you develop this area of your life?

For this week, please help me to slow down and evaluate how much happiness I feel in my life. If I am not feeling happy or satisfied with my life--and am expecting this baby to complete me--please help me to being understanding that this will not occur. The baby will likely fill me with happiness and joy, but also many other emotions along the way. The baby will come out of my womb with its own needs...not to meet my needs for happiness and fulfillment. Ultimately, no one except myself can make me feel happy. Help me to discover that warm part of my soul where I feel safe, confident, and joyful about life.

You Already Are a Mother

"Making the decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body." --Elizabeth Stone

When a woman becomes pregnant for the first time, she is forever changed. There is nothing in a woman's life experience that will quite compare to carrying a child in her womb and parenting. From the moment one knows that she is pregnant, all of a woman's life begins to transform. Every decision takes into account this new baby growing inside of her, she begins to love and bond with the baby--and these feelings just intensify as she feels the baby's movement and her belly begins to grow. As a woman who has experienced miscarriage, you already are a mother. This is not often said, nor are women comforted as if they had a child die. However, this is what the pain feels like for some women. The proof is in the profound grief that many women experience after a miscarriage. Many women do not feel like they "deserve" to be a mother yet, if they haven't been able to carry a child to term. Remember that there is not one path to motherhood--women that have adopted or fostered children, are mothers; women who have had to use IVF to assist them or use a surrogate are mothers. You were a mother the moment you chose to get pregnant for the first time. With the decision to have a child, the surrender to motherhood is already inherent.

You are now on the path of pregnancy. Whether you are a mother for the first time or are going to be a mother to multiple children after this baby is born--your life, as you know it, will be altered. Motherhood is an absolutely amazing experience--full of joy, exhaustion, frustration, fun, and tenderness. It is a miracle to be a part of the life of someone else in such a special role. If you have chosen to be a mother, and don't yet have a child, it can help to find little ways to acknowledge your motherhood. How can you acknowledge your motherhood, even if the world hasn't yet? What does being a mother mean to you? What unique gifts will you bring to your child? Is there a symbolic way that you can remember your lost child and be reminded of the fact that you already are a mother?

If I haven't given birth to a child yet, please help me to see that I am still a mother. I have carried a child in my womb and felt its loss deeply. I am already a mother and have been forever changed by this experience. Help me to recognize my unique gifts as a person and mother that I will share with this baby. Help me to find a gentle way to acknowledge to myself that I already am a mother, even if the world doesn't yet. Please bless this pregnancy.

Following Your Heart

"And suddenly, the clouds parted and she realized what she had been following. She saw it there in the distance like a house with wings and a candle burning in every window: her heart. So, of course, she had to enter. Once you follow your heart, and then find it, you must open the door..." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW

Women are typically intuitive creatures, the gender that is commonly more in touch with their feelings and instincts. However, much of our socialization as girls was likely focused on the importance of recognizing other's needs and quickly sensing how we can be helpful in any situation. Often these behaviors earned us a "good girl" response from our caregivers. No doubt these skills will come in useful as a mother, however, it has too often made us unfamiliar to ourselves--and not always comfortable following our own heart.

What would your heart look like? Feel like? What do you value most in this world and how are they represented inside of yourself? What are the longings of your heart? How would you feel opening the door to your heart? Is it a comforting, safe, and familiar place? Or is it scary to open the door to your heart--do you feel vulnerable? If so, why do you think this is how you feel? How does this pregnancy and parenthood fit inside your heart? Is there a way that you can hold your lost baby or babies in this imagery and make room to hold your unborn baby?

This visualization of a warm, welcoming heart--like the one described above--can be a powerfully comforting exercise during this time. As you worry about making it through this pregnancy, you could make this visualization part of your relaxation process to help yourself cope. It may also help to soothe your hurt if you are experiencing more sadness about your previous miscarriage. If this exercise feels uncomfortable and makes you feel too vulnerable, it is a good time to think about why this is so difficult for you. Pregnancy, the act of giving birth, and parenthood are all experiences that can make one feel extremely vulnerable--so it's best to start becoming more comfortable with it now!

Please help me to become aware of my heart's longings today. Make me open to seeing the possibilities for my life and heart in all areas, not just in the parenthood realm. Help me to envision my heart as a loving and accepting place--a place that can comfort me when I feel sad or scared. If it is threatening to feel vulnerable, help to soften the worries so that I may begin to explore unchartered territory inside myself. My baby will be better for this work that I do for myself to live my best life possible.