"A crisis forces you to create a new life, one that responds to your deepest needs...A crisis shakes up the status quo, spurring you to reevaluate your life and to make the corrections that lead to joy and success." --Laura Day, WELCOME TO YOUR CRISIS: HOW TO USE THE POWER OF CRISIS TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT
How did having a miscarriage create a crisis in your life? In what ways did it alter the way you view the world? In what ways did it alter your feelings about pregnancy...how is it impacting you today? Crises arise out of situations that come suddenly and unexpectedly; if one is completely unprepared for what occurs, it is not uncommon for a crisis to happen. In clinical terms, we call the crisis a "precipitating event." Often this event has a ripple effect that influences many areas of a person's life and functioning--both in positive and negative ways.
This week, spend a few moments reflecting on what impact the crisis of miscarriage had in your life and how you are moving forward from it. It is important to recognize if you allowed yourself to grieve the loss and move on when you felt ready. Now you are pregnant again--likely feeling excited and scared at the same time. Many women experience the crisis of miscarriage to take away some of the innocence and magic of pregnancy and motherhood. This loss of "innocence" can be saddening, yet remember that pregnancy is a means to an end. In other words, the end goal is to have a healthy baby not just to have a blissful and magical pregnancy. The crisis of miscarriage can help one be more realistic that having a family is a process.
What have been the repercussions in your life from the crisis of miscarriage? Do you view pregnancy and parenthood differently? Do you feel jaded and like the "Scrooge of Pregnancy"? Do you feel in crisis now that you are pregnant again? How do you best cope with crisis? How does your partner cope with crisis? Did you learn anything about your loss experience and your particular way of coping with it that can help you now or in the future?
This week, please help me to understand the ways that the crisis of miscarriage affected my life and feelings about pregnancy. It is important for me to feel calm, and not in crisis, as I am now pregnant again...and need to focus on taking good care of myself. This current pregnancy may have created a mini-crisis of anxiety for me. Help me to be strong and comfort me in the moments when I feel overwhelmed and full of despair. Help me to see that I can make it through no matter how this pregnancy turns out. Help me to identify coping strategies that were helpful so that I may utilize them in the future if the need should arise.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Letting Go of Perfection
"So what I want to say to you today is this: if this sounds, in any way, familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect in one way or another, too, then make today...the day to put down the backpack. Trying to be perfect may be sort of inevitable for people like us, who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level, it's too hard, and at another, it's too cheap and easy...But this is worse: that someday, sometime, you will be somewhere, maybe on a day like today--maybe something bad will have happened: you will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something you wanted to succeed at very much. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for that core to sustain you. If you have been perfect all your life, and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where your core ought to be. Don't take that chance...And it will make all the difference in the world. Take it from someone who has left the backpack full of bricks behind. Every day feels light as a feather. --Anna Quindlen's Commencement Speech, Mt. Holyoke College
In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm.
This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.
Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.
In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm.
This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.
Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Accepting Support From Others
"Thanks for showing me that even on the darkest, rainiest of days the sun is still there, just behind the clouds, waiting to shine again." --Lisa Harlow
You are likely feeling vulnerable right now and beginning to build up a wall to protect yourself--from hurting again if there was a disappointment, from friends and loved ones because you don't want to share that you're pregnant again in case of a loss, and possibly even from your partner because you want to to wallow in your anxiety alone. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and support, especially during this time. You may not be feeling well already and certainly you are worrying because you've had at least one previous loss.
For many women, it is uncomfortable to be vulnerable, needy, anxious, and emotional--we may not be that kind of person that likes to depend on other people. We may be the kind of person that is always there when a friend needs support, but feels uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. But, the roles are reversed now. Try to allow others to help get you what you need--a backrub, a "chick flick," a nice walk along the beach with a friend, a friend to call after each doctor appointment, or for your partner to hold your hand and tell you "everything is going to be ok." One of the first lessons of motherhood is that you can't do it alone. You will need support, almost immediately. So, if this is a challenge for you--allow yourself to begin the process of letting some trusted people assist and comfort you. You might be surprised how much it helps...and how rewarding it is for your partner or close friends to be there for you.
Do you generally let others help you? Have you been able to allow your partner or loves ones share part of the burden of this pregnancy? What support feels the most beneficial for you--and have you communicated that to the necessary people that can help? How will this process of accepting support from others help you as a mother? Do you want to provide a role model for your children of someone who can accept help from others?
Help me to relax this week and begin to let down my guard. I feel like I am on the edge and in a fight or flight mode. It is uncomfortable to be scared and vulnerable, but I do have loved ones that I can rely upon. It is hard to not be in control...and to not share what's going on in my life with others. Please help me to identify a few trusted souls that I can share my pregnancy with to help ease the burden. Help me to accept loving support from people around me--all of this help will also benefit my growing baby.
You are likely feeling vulnerable right now and beginning to build up a wall to protect yourself--from hurting again if there was a disappointment, from friends and loved ones because you don't want to share that you're pregnant again in case of a loss, and possibly even from your partner because you want to to wallow in your anxiety alone. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and support, especially during this time. You may not be feeling well already and certainly you are worrying because you've had at least one previous loss.
For many women, it is uncomfortable to be vulnerable, needy, anxious, and emotional--we may not be that kind of person that likes to depend on other people. We may be the kind of person that is always there when a friend needs support, but feels uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. But, the roles are reversed now. Try to allow others to help get you what you need--a backrub, a "chick flick," a nice walk along the beach with a friend, a friend to call after each doctor appointment, or for your partner to hold your hand and tell you "everything is going to be ok." One of the first lessons of motherhood is that you can't do it alone. You will need support, almost immediately. So, if this is a challenge for you--allow yourself to begin the process of letting some trusted people assist and comfort you. You might be surprised how much it helps...and how rewarding it is for your partner or close friends to be there for you.
Do you generally let others help you? Have you been able to allow your partner or loves ones share part of the burden of this pregnancy? What support feels the most beneficial for you--and have you communicated that to the necessary people that can help? How will this process of accepting support from others help you as a mother? Do you want to provide a role model for your children of someone who can accept help from others?
Help me to relax this week and begin to let down my guard. I feel like I am on the edge and in a fight or flight mode. It is uncomfortable to be scared and vulnerable, but I do have loved ones that I can rely upon. It is hard to not be in control...and to not share what's going on in my life with others. Please help me to identify a few trusted souls that I can share my pregnancy with to help ease the burden. Help me to accept loving support from people around me--all of this help will also benefit my growing baby.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sacrifice and Self-Care
"We cannot do great things--only small things with great love."
--Mother Theresa
There are so many opportunities during pregnancy and parenthood to do small things with great love. It is the beginning of a less selfish time in one's life...and often the simplest pleasures bring tremendous joy to your spirit and those around you. Pregnancy is a time to love yourself and the baby inside of you in little ways each day--taking walks if you feel good, eating healthy, allowing your partner to give you backrubs, taking baths, and napping when possible. When you become pregnant, especially after having a miscarriage, every choice you make each day about food, sleep, and exercise considers the baby inside of you. You are making many small sacrifices each day while trying to carry this baby to term.
Many women have to make even bigger sacrifices throughout the course of their pregnancy--and they especially need to ask for support and take good care of themselves. Some women need bed rest, some have to take medications or do injections, some need progesterone suppositories, some need infusions of good antibodies, some do acupuncture, and some are constantly monitored by doctors. You may be a woman who had to do fertility treatments to become pregnant, which may have included a whole multitude of sacrifices and stressors. There are days when you may feel like a lab rat and just want to cry. If this is your situation, try to remind yourself that you chose this route to have this child...and that there are women who may even have more medical intervention to achieve a healthy pregnancy. The desire to have children is so strong that it often outweighs the risks and inconveniences that women have to go through. Despite the daily challenges, we can all feel thankful that we live in an age where there are medical interventions that can be of assistance. Honestly, all of these challenges and inconveniences will melt away when you hold this baby in your arms.
During pregnancy is a great time to begin taking better care of yourself and getting your needs met. It is an important motherhood lesson to learn--when better to begin good self-care than now? What activities make you feel better? Time alone, taking a walk, writing in a journal, exercising, cooking, or going to lunch with a friend? Nurture your own life while creating life.
What sacrifices are you making for this pregnancy? Do you need to ask for more support? What are the little ways that you can love yourself and your baby right now? What activites can you work into your routine that allow you to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? How well do you take care of yourself now--how do you think this may change when the baby arrives?
On my hard days, when I am filled with anxiety and stress, help me to remember all that I am doing each day to support this life growing inside of me. I am doing everything possible to take care of myself and my baby. This week, let me have the strength and perseverance when I feel like a "lab rat"--and help me to remember the end is in sight. Guide me into activities that provide sustenance for my body, mind, and spirit. Help me to give myself what I need right now.
--Mother Theresa
There are so many opportunities during pregnancy and parenthood to do small things with great love. It is the beginning of a less selfish time in one's life...and often the simplest pleasures bring tremendous joy to your spirit and those around you. Pregnancy is a time to love yourself and the baby inside of you in little ways each day--taking walks if you feel good, eating healthy, allowing your partner to give you backrubs, taking baths, and napping when possible. When you become pregnant, especially after having a miscarriage, every choice you make each day about food, sleep, and exercise considers the baby inside of you. You are making many small sacrifices each day while trying to carry this baby to term.
Many women have to make even bigger sacrifices throughout the course of their pregnancy--and they especially need to ask for support and take good care of themselves. Some women need bed rest, some have to take medications or do injections, some need progesterone suppositories, some need infusions of good antibodies, some do acupuncture, and some are constantly monitored by doctors. You may be a woman who had to do fertility treatments to become pregnant, which may have included a whole multitude of sacrifices and stressors. There are days when you may feel like a lab rat and just want to cry. If this is your situation, try to remind yourself that you chose this route to have this child...and that there are women who may even have more medical intervention to achieve a healthy pregnancy. The desire to have children is so strong that it often outweighs the risks and inconveniences that women have to go through. Despite the daily challenges, we can all feel thankful that we live in an age where there are medical interventions that can be of assistance. Honestly, all of these challenges and inconveniences will melt away when you hold this baby in your arms.
During pregnancy is a great time to begin taking better care of yourself and getting your needs met. It is an important motherhood lesson to learn--when better to begin good self-care than now? What activities make you feel better? Time alone, taking a walk, writing in a journal, exercising, cooking, or going to lunch with a friend? Nurture your own life while creating life.
What sacrifices are you making for this pregnancy? Do you need to ask for more support? What are the little ways that you can love yourself and your baby right now? What activites can you work into your routine that allow you to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? How well do you take care of yourself now--how do you think this may change when the baby arrives?
On my hard days, when I am filled with anxiety and stress, help me to remember all that I am doing each day to support this life growing inside of me. I am doing everything possible to take care of myself and my baby. This week, let me have the strength and perseverance when I feel like a "lab rat"--and help me to remember the end is in sight. Guide me into activities that provide sustenance for my body, mind, and spirit. Help me to give myself what I need right now.
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