Letting Go of Perfection

"So what I want to say to you today is this: if this sounds, in any way, familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect in one way or another, too, then make today...the day to put down the backpack. Trying to be perfect may be sort of inevitable for people like us, who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level, it's too hard, and at another, it's too cheap and easy...But this is worse: that someday, sometime, you will be somewhere, maybe on a day like today--maybe something bad will have happened: you will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something you wanted to succeed at very much. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for that core to sustain you. If you have been perfect all your life, and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where your core ought to be. Don't take that chance...And it will make all the difference in the world. Take it from someone who has left the backpack full of bricks behind. Every day feels light as a feather. --Anna Quindlen's Commencement Speech, Mt. Holyoke College

In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm.

This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.

Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.