Remembering

"There are disappointments that wring us ,there are those which inflict a wound whose mark we bear to our graves. Such are so keen that no future gratification of the same desire can ever obliterate them: they become registered as a permanent loss of happiness." --Thomas Hardy, A PAIR OF BLUE EYES

It is surprising to some women how much they still think about their lost baby or babies. It's common to remember them on their due dates, around the time they were conceived, on the date of your miscarriage, at holidays, or when you see a child who is the same age that your child would have been. These rememberings can often crop up at random times like during a movie, in a dream, or in a sad moment alone. They were a part of you and some women find it hard to totally let go. Everyone has a different experience with this--and this is OK. Even now that you're pregnant again, you may still find your mind drifting to your lost angel or angels.

One of the hardest parts about miscarriage can be how you feel so alone with it. In one book about miscarriage, it begins by saying "Welcome to a lonely club..." Often couples haven't told anyone they were pregnant and they then suffer silently. Even couples who have shared the joyful news of pregnancy with others, still feel alone because no one "knew" the baby. In reading Elizabeth Edward's memoir, SAVING GRACES, which discussed the death of their teenage son, she mentions how she doesn't want anyone to forget about his existence. You may identify with this concept and feel strongly that you don't want yourself or anyone else to forget about the existence of this very tiny soul.

For this week, think about if there is a way you can keep your lost baby in your heart and still move on with your current life. Is there something special you can do on a yearly/monthly basis that will help you remember the life that was lost to you? How can remembering your lost baby or babies help you free yourself to love this new baby that you are carrying? There are many ways that one can symbolically remember their lost child. One grief website had an option to post your miscarriage date and it becomes "the day my angel got its wings." That may feel comforting. One could plant a tree or flowers, donate to a children's charity, write a poem for the lost child, say a prayer at night, or support miscarriage or women's health research. Think about what ways of remembering might hold meaning for you--they may help you to continue to heal and allow you to keep moving forward in your own pregnancy. If you aren't comfortable remembering, why not?

Help me to connect with the little soul or souls that I have lost along this path to motherhood. If it comforting to me, help me to find a way to remember that unborn child in a special way. If it is more comforting to me to let the baby or babies go, then please help me to release him/her to the heavens. Help me to hold a stillness in my heart for the losses, as well as an openness in my heart for this new and healthy life inside of me.