The Future Ahead

"Today I saw the future. She was sitting in a lawn chair in the center of the road with a sign that said, "Don't go this way." She doesn't always take the direct approach. She might camoflage herself behind traffic jams, alarm clocks, burnt toast and deadlines causing the urban observer to believe she's really not there. But no matter what, she always leaves a little trail of hope leading to her infinite arms." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW

What do you see for your future? What are the signs for you that you push into one direction or the other? In the parenting realm, working world, or your intimate relationship? This is a time of transition and it is good to think of how the future is directing you in one way or another. It is important to live in the moment, but occasionally it is a good exercise to visualize the future. Particularly after you've suffered a loss, it is pleasant to picture a healthy pregnancy, your belly swelling, a precious baby being born. When I was pregnant with my daughter, past the first trimester, I would watch the TV show "Baby Story" over and over. I would sit there and just weep as each family's journey through pregnancy and birth came to fruition. I think that it was my way of learning about this adventure and visualizing what pregnancy and birth could be like for us. I also kept a pregnancy journal where I recorded how I was feeling, dreams for my child, and so on. In a quiet moment think about what your dreams are for this pregnancy and the birth of your child.

Does the future feel exciting? Scary? A combination of emotions? Who would be there to cradle you and catch you in their infinite arms--the future, your partner, yourself? Once you've taken time to visualize the future and your hopes and put them out to the Universe or God...it is important to realize that we ultimately don't get to control what happens in the future. Of course, you already know this because you've suffered a miscarriage. This was not something you would have chosen on your way to parenthood...but, you are on a new path this time and there is always room for hope and dreams.

This week, help me to remember that even though I've lost one (or more) baby and this was painful...it is ok for me to have day dreams and visualize this pregnancy and healthy baby. I am not forsaking my lost child by being excited about this current pregnancy and I am not jinxing this pregnancy either. I have hope and want to indulge in picturing my belly big, delivering a healthy baby, and enjoying this next stage in my life.