Joy Envy

"I wish we would all have more clear, truthful, jealous outbursts. We all feel jealous. I feel it often, about both odd and common things. We are afraid that it is too ugly to be seen, or not kind, or some sign that we are greedy or inferior. If jealousy is shared consciously when felt, its power disappears...Jealously increases in size if you feed it with silence. Practice saying loudly and firmly, I AM SO JEALOUS!" --SARK, The Bodacious Book of Succulence

It's not uncommon to feel frustrated by friends who have not experienced pregnancy loss. They may have tried to comfort you after your loss and may have lots of advice for you now that you are pregnant again. Sometimes the words that they use to comfort or help you cope with the anxiety of a new pregnancy are better left unsaid. However, it is important to remember that most people are truly trying to say the right thing and not meaning to offend you in any way. Another common problem for women who've suffered miscarriage is that many of their friends are also of childbearing age--so many friends get pregnant and have healthy pregnancies while you may still be on your path to parenthood. It is universal to have pangs of jealousy over friends' pregnancies and healthy babies. Certainly, miscarriage survivors don't want everyone to experience pregnancy loss, but is can also feel bittersweet when your support system is sailing through pregnancy.

I remember one friend who just found out she was pregnant, had literally just missed her period, and announced the news to everyone at the park where our toddlers were playing. She was so full of joy about her news. I couldn't help but feel amazement at her proclamation--I would never have been able to express my joy with reckless abandon at four weeks along. Instead, I would feel that I had to keep my pregnancy under wraps as long as I could to help temper my own excitement and to stave off some shame if I miscarried again. Ultimately, I was jealous because I wished for another healthy pregnancy and also to have the carefree joy in expressing excitement about a pregnancy. For me, I coped with having jealous thoughts and feelings (which made me feel terrible) and then shared our news when we reached the end of our first trimester. In the end, both my friend and I had healthy pregnancies and precious children--the process was just different for us in those early weeks. Once I was able to wrap my head around the fact that we would have different pregnancy experiences, I was able to let go of some of the jealous feelings. After all, I was fortunate beyond belief to be having another child.

Have you felt jealous of others during your process of loss and pregnancy? How did you cope with these feelings? Did it help to share your feelings with the person or was it better for you to handle the emotions on your own? Do you know women who've had a harder road than you? Is it possible that they've envied your experience in some way?

Help me to remember that jealous feelings are common for someone who has experienced loss. It is OK for me to acknowledge these feelings to myself, my partner, and my friend if appropriate. After I allow myself to wallow in these feelings a bit, it is then time to give them less power and move on. After all, I have many blessings in my life. I am fortunate to be pregnant again and this is enough for today. In life, there is always someone who seemingly has it easier than me and always many people who have a more challenging existence than me. Help me to keep this in mind today.