"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your heart. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." --Desiderata
When you've suffered loss and pain in your life (as most people have), it's easy to let yourself feel dismal about our world and future. There are many things about life that are heart wrenching and unfair, and horrible atrocities are committed--one can feel helpless and become quite negative about life. It may not feel this way to you now, but many people suffer through experiences far worse than miscarriage and fertility issues. There are unimaginable hurts that people have endured. It is easier to let oneself slip into feeling powerless,depressed, apathetic, and angry than to slowly pick yourself up and look for the silver lining in painful experiences.
It is difficult to find the upside to negative situations, and seemingly impossible after suffering a miscarriage. That won't stop concerned loved ones from trying to help you find the silver lining. Many women become frustrated with the well-intentioned attempts of others to comfort them with the comments that their previous loss was "meant to be," or "happened for a reason." These statements are probably innocent, but for the woman who has suffered pregnancy loss they have the power to wound deeply. However, part of the process of putting yourself back together involves letting these comments wash over you. You must let these things go and begin to hope again and believe in the world. You may really have to work at finding hope after loss. However, you are pregnant again. There must be some good in this world!
For this week, please fill me with renewed hope about the future. Help me to see the brighter things about life--noticing the beauties in nature, the touch of my partner's hand in mine, and a healthy body that can carry this baby to term. Please help me to release the grief that remains in my heart for my lost baby and for any other previous losses in my life. I want to open my heart and make room for this new baby I am growing inside of me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Strength in Facing the Unknown
"If God sends us on strong paths we are provided strong shoes." --Corrie TenBoom
You may not believe it right now, but you have the strength to get through this pregnancy. You CAN cope with the anxiety this new pregnancy brings. You CAN cope with the physical and emotional toll that it may take upon you as the weeks and months progress. If you have the unfortunate experience of suffering another miscarriage, you WILL survive it. The odds are in your favor that you will have a healthy pregnancy this time; however, there are some of us who have had a few miscarriages in a row. It is devastating--there is no question about that...but you will survive. You have "stronger shoes" than you realize--this is true for all of us.
Try to remember that if what you imagine to be the "worst case scenario" occurs with this pregnancy for you and your mate--if you can't get pregnant again, or you continue to have problems carrying your baby to term--you CAN still have a family. After three miscarriages, I had to come to terms with this possibility. If we continued to suffer losses, we could use a surrogate/gestational carrier, adopt children, or become foster parents...we were determined to have a bigger family and would reach that goal somehow. Once I realized that we would eventually have the family of our dreams, I felt more peaceful. I had to get real and alter what my dream could look like.
What are your strengths that help carry you through this exciting, yet fearful, time? What are your partner's strengths that are helpful to you? Reflect upon the challenges that you've faced in your life--previous losses, traumatic experiences, sad goodbyes, illness that you've conquered, relationship disappointments. Having a miscarriage often brings up previous losses and hurts in your life. How have you coped during hard times? Draw upon those strengths to help get you through the anxiety right now. Remember that you have coped with pain and uncertainty in the past and you can do it again. It will be well worth it when you are holding your precious baby in your arms.
Please help me to remember that I am strong and brave. This is a challenging journey that I am on, but not an impossible one. There are many women, and couples, who have endured miscarriages and have gone on to have healthy children. I have faith that this will happen for me. Help me to use difficult experiences from my past to help me cope here in the present. Help me to remember that I will realize my dream of becoming a parent or a parent to more children.
You may not believe it right now, but you have the strength to get through this pregnancy. You CAN cope with the anxiety this new pregnancy brings. You CAN cope with the physical and emotional toll that it may take upon you as the weeks and months progress. If you have the unfortunate experience of suffering another miscarriage, you WILL survive it. The odds are in your favor that you will have a healthy pregnancy this time; however, there are some of us who have had a few miscarriages in a row. It is devastating--there is no question about that...but you will survive. You have "stronger shoes" than you realize--this is true for all of us.
Try to remember that if what you imagine to be the "worst case scenario" occurs with this pregnancy for you and your mate--if you can't get pregnant again, or you continue to have problems carrying your baby to term--you CAN still have a family. After three miscarriages, I had to come to terms with this possibility. If we continued to suffer losses, we could use a surrogate/gestational carrier, adopt children, or become foster parents...we were determined to have a bigger family and would reach that goal somehow. Once I realized that we would eventually have the family of our dreams, I felt more peaceful. I had to get real and alter what my dream could look like.
What are your strengths that help carry you through this exciting, yet fearful, time? What are your partner's strengths that are helpful to you? Reflect upon the challenges that you've faced in your life--previous losses, traumatic experiences, sad goodbyes, illness that you've conquered, relationship disappointments. Having a miscarriage often brings up previous losses and hurts in your life. How have you coped during hard times? Draw upon those strengths to help get you through the anxiety right now. Remember that you have coped with pain and uncertainty in the past and you can do it again. It will be well worth it when you are holding your precious baby in your arms.
Please help me to remember that I am strong and brave. This is a challenging journey that I am on, but not an impossible one. There are many women, and couples, who have endured miscarriages and have gone on to have healthy children. I have faith that this will happen for me. Help me to use difficult experiences from my past to help me cope here in the present. Help me to remember that I will realize my dream of becoming a parent or a parent to more children.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Hope
"Perhaps this very instant is your time." -Louise Bogan
Let yourself indulge for a moment that quite possibly this is your time! Most likely, this pregnancy is taking root deep in your body and you are moving towards knowing this baby. It is OK to allow yourself to think about this new life, imagine if it might be a boy or a girl, and begin to love this child. It is natural to be thinking this way and beginning to bond with this baby growing inside of you...even if you've suffered a loss, or losses. Each miscarriage survivor handles her first trimester in her own way--some try to pretend they're not pregnant, some are full of hope, some try to stay grounded, or some have a combination of emotions. Every strategy to cope through the first trimester is really an attempt to protect yourself emotionally should you suffer another pregnancy loss. There really is no way to protect yourself from that pain if indeed you suffer another loss--you will grieve and eventually get back on your path to parenthood.
Hope is an amazing emotion--so necessary for one's spirit, sense of resilience, and courage to keep living each day. There are many challenges in life--aside from miscarriage and fertility problems--and most people need a morsel of hope to get through the hard times. Hope and the belief that there is good in the world, is what helps to get us out of bed on the days in life when we fear we can't do it. It is important to remember that there is always hope on this path to parenthood. With each passing day, your chance of miscarriage becomes less likely and it is important to hold onto this hope. Miscarriage is unique from some losses in that you have the opportunity to try again--and this is a blessing that you should pause to recognize.
What is your particular style of handling this precarious first trimester? Are you trying to pretend that you're not pregnant? Do you allow yourself a few fleeting moments of happiness about this baby? How do you think anxiety affects your body and your baby? Do you sometimes feel guilty enjoying this pregnancy because you miss your lost baby or babies? How has hope played a role in your life?
Help me to realize that I am not jinxing myself if I begin to love this baby. If I suffer another miscarriage, I will be devastated--whether I allowed myself to rejoice in this pregnancy or whether I pretended it did not exist. Help me to send little waves of positive energy and love to help this baby grow inside of me. Bless my lost baby, or babies, and let them know how much I miss them. Help me to understand that my excitement and love for this new baby in no way diminishes my love for my lost baby, or babies. Help me to indulge in hope this week.
Let yourself indulge for a moment that quite possibly this is your time! Most likely, this pregnancy is taking root deep in your body and you are moving towards knowing this baby. It is OK to allow yourself to think about this new life, imagine if it might be a boy or a girl, and begin to love this child. It is natural to be thinking this way and beginning to bond with this baby growing inside of you...even if you've suffered a loss, or losses. Each miscarriage survivor handles her first trimester in her own way--some try to pretend they're not pregnant, some are full of hope, some try to stay grounded, or some have a combination of emotions. Every strategy to cope through the first trimester is really an attempt to protect yourself emotionally should you suffer another pregnancy loss. There really is no way to protect yourself from that pain if indeed you suffer another loss--you will grieve and eventually get back on your path to parenthood.
Hope is an amazing emotion--so necessary for one's spirit, sense of resilience, and courage to keep living each day. There are many challenges in life--aside from miscarriage and fertility problems--and most people need a morsel of hope to get through the hard times. Hope and the belief that there is good in the world, is what helps to get us out of bed on the days in life when we fear we can't do it. It is important to remember that there is always hope on this path to parenthood. With each passing day, your chance of miscarriage becomes less likely and it is important to hold onto this hope. Miscarriage is unique from some losses in that you have the opportunity to try again--and this is a blessing that you should pause to recognize.
What is your particular style of handling this precarious first trimester? Are you trying to pretend that you're not pregnant? Do you allow yourself a few fleeting moments of happiness about this baby? How do you think anxiety affects your body and your baby? Do you sometimes feel guilty enjoying this pregnancy because you miss your lost baby or babies? How has hope played a role in your life?
Help me to realize that I am not jinxing myself if I begin to love this baby. If I suffer another miscarriage, I will be devastated--whether I allowed myself to rejoice in this pregnancy or whether I pretended it did not exist. Help me to send little waves of positive energy and love to help this baby grow inside of me. Bless my lost baby, or babies, and let them know how much I miss them. Help me to understand that my excitement and love for this new baby in no way diminishes my love for my lost baby, or babies. Help me to indulge in hope this week.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Acknowledging Your Partner
"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi
Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?
My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.
Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.
Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."
Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?
My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.
Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.
Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)