Acknowledging Your Partner

"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi

Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?

My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.

Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.

Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."