Walk Towards the Light

Psalm 30: Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, And give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, But joy comes with the morning...

You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.

Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.

I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."

She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?

If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.

Merry Christmas!