"And suddenly, the clouds parted and she realized what she had been following. She saw it there in the distance like a house with wings and a candle burning in every window: her heart. So, of course, she had to enter. Once you follow your heart, and then find it, you must open the door..." --Monique Duval, THE PERSISTENCE OF YELLOW
Women are typically intuitive creatures, the gender that is commonly more in touch with their feelings and instincts. However, much of our socialization as girls was likely focused on the importance of recognizing other's needs and quickly sensing how we can be helpful in any situation. Often these behaviors earned us a "good girl" response from our caregivers. No doubt these skills will come in useful as a mother, however, it has too often made us unfamiliar to ourselves--and not always comfortable following our own heart.
What would your heart look like? Feel like? What do you value most in this world and how are they represented inside of yourself? What are the longings of your heart? How would you feel opening the door to your heart? Is it a comforting, safe, and familiar place? Or is it scary to open the door to your heart--do you feel vulnerable? If so, why do you think this is how you feel? How does this pregnancy and parenthood fit inside your heart? Is there a way that you can hold your lost baby or babies in this imagery and make room to hold your unborn baby?
This visualization of a warm, welcoming heart--like the one described above--can be a powerfully comforting exercise during this time. As you worry about making it through this pregnancy, you could make this visualization part of your relaxation process to help yourself cope. It may also help to soothe your hurt if you are experiencing more sadness about your previous miscarriage. If this exercise feels uncomfortable and makes you feel too vulnerable, it is a good time to think about why this is so difficult for you. Pregnancy, the act of giving birth, and parenthood are all experiences that can make one feel extremely vulnerable--so it's best to start becoming more comfortable with it now!
Please help me to become aware of my heart's longings today. Make me open to seeing the possibilities for my life and heart in all areas, not just in the parenthood realm. Help me to envision my heart as a loving and accepting place--a place that can comfort me when I feel sad or scared. If it is threatening to feel vulnerable, help to soften the worries so that I may begin to explore unchartered territory inside myself. My baby will be better for this work that I do for myself to live my best life possible.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Walk Towards the Light
Psalm 30: Sing praises to the Lord, O you his faithful ones, And give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may linger for the night, But joy comes with the morning...
You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.
I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."
She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?
If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.
Merry Christmas!
You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, So that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
Evenings were always harder for me--I felt tired, weary, emotional, and often had trouble sleeping. Evenings were still difficult for me, even once I was pregnant again--during the activity of the day, I often didn't have as much time to worry and obsess. So it was nighttime that I often called my mother to chat; I hoped that she could distract me, let me vent, problem solve, or just listen to my daily worries about my pregnancy. She was always exactly what I needed.
I have to say that I have an exceptional mother. She has been an example to me in my life--of how to live one's life joyfully, feel blessed with what you have (even when you don't have much), of how to pick yourself up when you fall down, of perseverance, determination and dedication, of resourcefulness, and of how to maintain hope and a positive attitude in the most challenging of circumstances. My mother has lived a lot of "life" in her years and she has a quiet wisdom about life, spirituality, pain, and hope. After each miscarriage, she would weep with me--if she could have carried a baby to term for me she would have tried. Of course, she couldn't...but she comforted me and she reminded me to "walk towards the light." When I wanted to wallow in self-pity, complain, and cry to excess--she would gently remind me to walk away from the darkness and that "joy comes with the morning."
She was right--each morning was the start of a new day and I usually felt better. There is something contagious about the sun rising, the birds chirping, a yummy breakfast, and a day with things to look forward to. I know that it can be hard to be so optimistic if you are consumed with doubt and worry, but you can try to have a new outlook each morning. You may have already survived some of the more difficult days in your life--and you survived the pain that you initially thought you could not handle. How are you strong and brave? What are you already teaching your baby about perseverance and determination? What quiet wisdom do you have within?
If I am tired and weak, help to build me up. Help free my mind from worry so that I may rest soundly and wake with renewed energy. As tempting as it may be to wallow in my own past disappointments in life, help me to walk towards the light. I am not a victim, but a survivor. We have all survived pain and I want my baby to know that I am brave and embrace all of my experiences. Help me to be the kind of mother that I would have been to myself.
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Girlfriends
"Turning her head to look at each of her friends...she saw them as she had never before. They seemed to glow from within, like there were lanterns inside their bodies. They looked very old to her, and very young all at once. They looked invincible and utterly, utterly, fragile. Their bodies were the density and weight that had anchored her, that made her more real. She looked up at them and flooded with gratitude." --Rebecca Wells,YA-YA SISTERHOOD
Female friendships are so important in our lives. Many women feel a sense of kinship to other women that we don't find in other close relationships. Women can be silly together, cry together, or be a sounding board for one another. Sometimes all we want is to feel heard and often a girlfriend is just the person to hear us out. Women who have suffered miscarriage often feel comforted sharing their experience with other women. It can be helpful to share about your loss over the previous pregnancy--especially, if you have a friend that has likewise suffered a miscarriage. Being pregnant again, you want to share some of your excitement and anxiety with someone other than your partner--and girlfriends can be great for that too.
However, a woman who has experienced miscarriage or fertility problems can often feel alone among women. During the childbearing years, many women are pregnant and having babies with seemingly no difficulty--you might feel surrounded by these women. Though miscarriage is common, some women don't talk about their experiences of loss and there is still much shame about pregnancy losses. But, in general, girlfriends help to get us through pregnancy loss, healthy pregnancy, and early parenting. We rely upon each other each step of the way. Be it the girlfriend who doesn't have children, but silently shares in your grief with tears in her eyes; the calm and grounded friend who listens endlessly; the friend who cries when she tells you she's pregnant with her second when you've just miscarried your first pregnancy; the friends that emailed, called, or sent cards after any loss. One friend baked us brownies after a miscarriage--saying that she knew that nothing probably helped, but maybe chocolate would. It did!
Who can you talk to? Who are the friends that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with? Do you feel alone among other women? How can you begin to feel more comfortable with girlfriends again? Can you talk to your partner or a family member? Family members are wonderful resources, but sometimes it can be even more helpful to talk to a friend. If you felt alone with your loss, or still feel alone with your pregnancy--try to think of someone that you could talk to, write a letter to, or email.
This week, let me reflect upon my true friends. These people have lightened my load and helped me when I've been heavy hearted. They remind me that sometimes all one needs to feel better is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to simply listen, hold my hand, or help me to laugh. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of who I am and who I was before I suffered a miscarriage--and they can help me see my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. If I am not connecting with other women because of my loss and current anxiety, help me to relax and release my shame. I need girlfriends to help me get through this time. I am truly blessed to have girlfriends in my life...and I want to radiate that feeling down to my growing baby.
Female friendships are so important in our lives. Many women feel a sense of kinship to other women that we don't find in other close relationships. Women can be silly together, cry together, or be a sounding board for one another. Sometimes all we want is to feel heard and often a girlfriend is just the person to hear us out. Women who have suffered miscarriage often feel comforted sharing their experience with other women. It can be helpful to share about your loss over the previous pregnancy--especially, if you have a friend that has likewise suffered a miscarriage. Being pregnant again, you want to share some of your excitement and anxiety with someone other than your partner--and girlfriends can be great for that too.
However, a woman who has experienced miscarriage or fertility problems can often feel alone among women. During the childbearing years, many women are pregnant and having babies with seemingly no difficulty--you might feel surrounded by these women. Though miscarriage is common, some women don't talk about their experiences of loss and there is still much shame about pregnancy losses. But, in general, girlfriends help to get us through pregnancy loss, healthy pregnancy, and early parenting. We rely upon each other each step of the way. Be it the girlfriend who doesn't have children, but silently shares in your grief with tears in her eyes; the calm and grounded friend who listens endlessly; the friend who cries when she tells you she's pregnant with her second when you've just miscarried your first pregnancy; the friends that emailed, called, or sent cards after any loss. One friend baked us brownies after a miscarriage--saying that she knew that nothing probably helped, but maybe chocolate would. It did!
Who can you talk to? Who are the friends that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with? Do you feel alone among other women? How can you begin to feel more comfortable with girlfriends again? Can you talk to your partner or a family member? Family members are wonderful resources, but sometimes it can be even more helpful to talk to a friend. If you felt alone with your loss, or still feel alone with your pregnancy--try to think of someone that you could talk to, write a letter to, or email.
This week, let me reflect upon my true friends. These people have lightened my load and helped me when I've been heavy hearted. They remind me that sometimes all one needs to feel better is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, someone to simply listen, hold my hand, or help me to laugh. Sometimes I just need to be reminded of who I am and who I was before I suffered a miscarriage--and they can help me see my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. If I am not connecting with other women because of my loss and current anxiety, help me to relax and release my shame. I need girlfriends to help me get through this time. I am truly blessed to have girlfriends in my life...and I want to radiate that feeling down to my growing baby.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Remember Your Dreams
Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things." "I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour each day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, ALICE IN WONDERLAND
What were your "impossible things" as a child? What are they now? For this week, spend a few minutes reflecting on your life's dreams. What dreams have come true for you and what did it feel like to realize a dream? What dreams are left for you to realize? Obviously, having this healthy baby is one dream that you are hoping to realize. Who are you besides a mother-to-be? What dreams do you share with your partner?
It is important to remember that you were a woman with many different and varied dreams before you became obsessed with motherhood. Sometimes during fertility issues it is easy to forget who we were before disappointment struck. It is also common to forget the aspects that drew you to your mate and brought you joy in the relationship. Think back and remember the "impossible things" that make you tick--outside of wanting to be a mother or a mother of more children. You will achieve that dream--someway, somehow--that dream WILL come true. But you will be a better mother if all of your dreams are not wrapped up in your children.
Help me to remember who I am at my core. I think I may have forgotten lately because of my hurt and anxiety. This is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it...but it's time to change my outlook. Help me to check back in with myself and think about my dreams and hopes for the future. Help me to be optimistic and find my innocence again--before this baby arrives and needs me to play, laugh, and imagine!
What were your "impossible things" as a child? What are they now? For this week, spend a few minutes reflecting on your life's dreams. What dreams have come true for you and what did it feel like to realize a dream? What dreams are left for you to realize? Obviously, having this healthy baby is one dream that you are hoping to realize. Who are you besides a mother-to-be? What dreams do you share with your partner?
It is important to remember that you were a woman with many different and varied dreams before you became obsessed with motherhood. Sometimes during fertility issues it is easy to forget who we were before disappointment struck. It is also common to forget the aspects that drew you to your mate and brought you joy in the relationship. Think back and remember the "impossible things" that make you tick--outside of wanting to be a mother or a mother of more children. You will achieve that dream--someway, somehow--that dream WILL come true. But you will be a better mother if all of your dreams are not wrapped up in your children.
Help me to remember who I am at my core. I think I may have forgotten lately because of my hurt and anxiety. This is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about it...but it's time to change my outlook. Help me to check back in with myself and think about my dreams and hopes for the future. Help me to be optimistic and find my innocence again--before this baby arrives and needs me to play, laugh, and imagine!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Putting It In Perspective
"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your heart. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." --Desiderata
When you've suffered loss and pain in your life (as most people have), it's easy to let yourself feel dismal about our world and future. There are many things about life that are heart wrenching and unfair, and horrible atrocities are committed--one can feel helpless and become quite negative about life. It may not feel this way to you now, but many people suffer through experiences far worse than miscarriage and fertility issues. There are unimaginable hurts that people have endured. It is easier to let oneself slip into feeling powerless,depressed, apathetic, and angry than to slowly pick yourself up and look for the silver lining in painful experiences.
It is difficult to find the upside to negative situations, and seemingly impossible after suffering a miscarriage. That won't stop concerned loved ones from trying to help you find the silver lining. Many women become frustrated with the well-intentioned attempts of others to comfort them with the comments that their previous loss was "meant to be," or "happened for a reason." These statements are probably innocent, but for the woman who has suffered pregnancy loss they have the power to wound deeply. However, part of the process of putting yourself back together involves letting these comments wash over you. You must let these things go and begin to hope again and believe in the world. You may really have to work at finding hope after loss. However, you are pregnant again. There must be some good in this world!
For this week, please fill me with renewed hope about the future. Help me to see the brighter things about life--noticing the beauties in nature, the touch of my partner's hand in mine, and a healthy body that can carry this baby to term. Please help me to release the grief that remains in my heart for my lost baby and for any other previous losses in my life. I want to open my heart and make room for this new baby I am growing inside of me.
When you've suffered loss and pain in your life (as most people have), it's easy to let yourself feel dismal about our world and future. There are many things about life that are heart wrenching and unfair, and horrible atrocities are committed--one can feel helpless and become quite negative about life. It may not feel this way to you now, but many people suffer through experiences far worse than miscarriage and fertility issues. There are unimaginable hurts that people have endured. It is easier to let oneself slip into feeling powerless,depressed, apathetic, and angry than to slowly pick yourself up and look for the silver lining in painful experiences.
It is difficult to find the upside to negative situations, and seemingly impossible after suffering a miscarriage. That won't stop concerned loved ones from trying to help you find the silver lining. Many women become frustrated with the well-intentioned attempts of others to comfort them with the comments that their previous loss was "meant to be," or "happened for a reason." These statements are probably innocent, but for the woman who has suffered pregnancy loss they have the power to wound deeply. However, part of the process of putting yourself back together involves letting these comments wash over you. You must let these things go and begin to hope again and believe in the world. You may really have to work at finding hope after loss. However, you are pregnant again. There must be some good in this world!
For this week, please fill me with renewed hope about the future. Help me to see the brighter things about life--noticing the beauties in nature, the touch of my partner's hand in mine, and a healthy body that can carry this baby to term. Please help me to release the grief that remains in my heart for my lost baby and for any other previous losses in my life. I want to open my heart and make room for this new baby I am growing inside of me.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Strength in Facing the Unknown
"If God sends us on strong paths we are provided strong shoes." --Corrie TenBoom
You may not believe it right now, but you have the strength to get through this pregnancy. You CAN cope with the anxiety this new pregnancy brings. You CAN cope with the physical and emotional toll that it may take upon you as the weeks and months progress. If you have the unfortunate experience of suffering another miscarriage, you WILL survive it. The odds are in your favor that you will have a healthy pregnancy this time; however, there are some of us who have had a few miscarriages in a row. It is devastating--there is no question about that...but you will survive. You have "stronger shoes" than you realize--this is true for all of us.
Try to remember that if what you imagine to be the "worst case scenario" occurs with this pregnancy for you and your mate--if you can't get pregnant again, or you continue to have problems carrying your baby to term--you CAN still have a family. After three miscarriages, I had to come to terms with this possibility. If we continued to suffer losses, we could use a surrogate/gestational carrier, adopt children, or become foster parents...we were determined to have a bigger family and would reach that goal somehow. Once I realized that we would eventually have the family of our dreams, I felt more peaceful. I had to get real and alter what my dream could look like.
What are your strengths that help carry you through this exciting, yet fearful, time? What are your partner's strengths that are helpful to you? Reflect upon the challenges that you've faced in your life--previous losses, traumatic experiences, sad goodbyes, illness that you've conquered, relationship disappointments. Having a miscarriage often brings up previous losses and hurts in your life. How have you coped during hard times? Draw upon those strengths to help get you through the anxiety right now. Remember that you have coped with pain and uncertainty in the past and you can do it again. It will be well worth it when you are holding your precious baby in your arms.
Please help me to remember that I am strong and brave. This is a challenging journey that I am on, but not an impossible one. There are many women, and couples, who have endured miscarriages and have gone on to have healthy children. I have faith that this will happen for me. Help me to use difficult experiences from my past to help me cope here in the present. Help me to remember that I will realize my dream of becoming a parent or a parent to more children.
You may not believe it right now, but you have the strength to get through this pregnancy. You CAN cope with the anxiety this new pregnancy brings. You CAN cope with the physical and emotional toll that it may take upon you as the weeks and months progress. If you have the unfortunate experience of suffering another miscarriage, you WILL survive it. The odds are in your favor that you will have a healthy pregnancy this time; however, there are some of us who have had a few miscarriages in a row. It is devastating--there is no question about that...but you will survive. You have "stronger shoes" than you realize--this is true for all of us.
Try to remember that if what you imagine to be the "worst case scenario" occurs with this pregnancy for you and your mate--if you can't get pregnant again, or you continue to have problems carrying your baby to term--you CAN still have a family. After three miscarriages, I had to come to terms with this possibility. If we continued to suffer losses, we could use a surrogate/gestational carrier, adopt children, or become foster parents...we were determined to have a bigger family and would reach that goal somehow. Once I realized that we would eventually have the family of our dreams, I felt more peaceful. I had to get real and alter what my dream could look like.
What are your strengths that help carry you through this exciting, yet fearful, time? What are your partner's strengths that are helpful to you? Reflect upon the challenges that you've faced in your life--previous losses, traumatic experiences, sad goodbyes, illness that you've conquered, relationship disappointments. Having a miscarriage often brings up previous losses and hurts in your life. How have you coped during hard times? Draw upon those strengths to help get you through the anxiety right now. Remember that you have coped with pain and uncertainty in the past and you can do it again. It will be well worth it when you are holding your precious baby in your arms.
Please help me to remember that I am strong and brave. This is a challenging journey that I am on, but not an impossible one. There are many women, and couples, who have endured miscarriages and have gone on to have healthy children. I have faith that this will happen for me. Help me to use difficult experiences from my past to help me cope here in the present. Help me to remember that I will realize my dream of becoming a parent or a parent to more children.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Hope
"Perhaps this very instant is your time." -Louise Bogan
Let yourself indulge for a moment that quite possibly this is your time! Most likely, this pregnancy is taking root deep in your body and you are moving towards knowing this baby. It is OK to allow yourself to think about this new life, imagine if it might be a boy or a girl, and begin to love this child. It is natural to be thinking this way and beginning to bond with this baby growing inside of you...even if you've suffered a loss, or losses. Each miscarriage survivor handles her first trimester in her own way--some try to pretend they're not pregnant, some are full of hope, some try to stay grounded, or some have a combination of emotions. Every strategy to cope through the first trimester is really an attempt to protect yourself emotionally should you suffer another pregnancy loss. There really is no way to protect yourself from that pain if indeed you suffer another loss--you will grieve and eventually get back on your path to parenthood.
Hope is an amazing emotion--so necessary for one's spirit, sense of resilience, and courage to keep living each day. There are many challenges in life--aside from miscarriage and fertility problems--and most people need a morsel of hope to get through the hard times. Hope and the belief that there is good in the world, is what helps to get us out of bed on the days in life when we fear we can't do it. It is important to remember that there is always hope on this path to parenthood. With each passing day, your chance of miscarriage becomes less likely and it is important to hold onto this hope. Miscarriage is unique from some losses in that you have the opportunity to try again--and this is a blessing that you should pause to recognize.
What is your particular style of handling this precarious first trimester? Are you trying to pretend that you're not pregnant? Do you allow yourself a few fleeting moments of happiness about this baby? How do you think anxiety affects your body and your baby? Do you sometimes feel guilty enjoying this pregnancy because you miss your lost baby or babies? How has hope played a role in your life?
Help me to realize that I am not jinxing myself if I begin to love this baby. If I suffer another miscarriage, I will be devastated--whether I allowed myself to rejoice in this pregnancy or whether I pretended it did not exist. Help me to send little waves of positive energy and love to help this baby grow inside of me. Bless my lost baby, or babies, and let them know how much I miss them. Help me to understand that my excitement and love for this new baby in no way diminishes my love for my lost baby, or babies. Help me to indulge in hope this week.
Let yourself indulge for a moment that quite possibly this is your time! Most likely, this pregnancy is taking root deep in your body and you are moving towards knowing this baby. It is OK to allow yourself to think about this new life, imagine if it might be a boy or a girl, and begin to love this child. It is natural to be thinking this way and beginning to bond with this baby growing inside of you...even if you've suffered a loss, or losses. Each miscarriage survivor handles her first trimester in her own way--some try to pretend they're not pregnant, some are full of hope, some try to stay grounded, or some have a combination of emotions. Every strategy to cope through the first trimester is really an attempt to protect yourself emotionally should you suffer another pregnancy loss. There really is no way to protect yourself from that pain if indeed you suffer another loss--you will grieve and eventually get back on your path to parenthood.
Hope is an amazing emotion--so necessary for one's spirit, sense of resilience, and courage to keep living each day. There are many challenges in life--aside from miscarriage and fertility problems--and most people need a morsel of hope to get through the hard times. Hope and the belief that there is good in the world, is what helps to get us out of bed on the days in life when we fear we can't do it. It is important to remember that there is always hope on this path to parenthood. With each passing day, your chance of miscarriage becomes less likely and it is important to hold onto this hope. Miscarriage is unique from some losses in that you have the opportunity to try again--and this is a blessing that you should pause to recognize.
What is your particular style of handling this precarious first trimester? Are you trying to pretend that you're not pregnant? Do you allow yourself a few fleeting moments of happiness about this baby? How do you think anxiety affects your body and your baby? Do you sometimes feel guilty enjoying this pregnancy because you miss your lost baby or babies? How has hope played a role in your life?
Help me to realize that I am not jinxing myself if I begin to love this baby. If I suffer another miscarriage, I will be devastated--whether I allowed myself to rejoice in this pregnancy or whether I pretended it did not exist. Help me to send little waves of positive energy and love to help this baby grow inside of me. Bless my lost baby, or babies, and let them know how much I miss them. Help me to understand that my excitement and love for this new baby in no way diminishes my love for my lost baby, or babies. Help me to indulge in hope this week.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Acknowledging Your Partner
"The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." -Rumi
Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?
My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.
Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.
Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."
Sometimes in the quest for children, or growing a family, we forget our partners in the midst of it all. The urge to get pregnant and maintain pregnancy can be all consuming. This is natural for women, especially when they have experienced a loss. For this week, however, try to spend some time thinking about your partner--and their role in your life, in the life of your past pregnancy and miscarriage, and their role in this current pregnancy. Often the partner's feelings are not recognized--by us and others--and they receive less support than the pregnant woman who has grieved a pregnancy loss. Think about how your partner is doing today and feeling about this pregnancy. Are they worried about you? Are they feeling helpless because they can't control the outcome of this pregnancy?
My husband had much sadness after the loss of each miscarriage. We comforted each other and understood each other's grief in a way that others couldn't share. In general, I think he was able to mourn the loss of the baby and move on more quickly than I was able to (after all, the baby was in my body and I was attaching in a different way than he was--especially because I didn't look pregnant yet). He quickly moved on to worrying about me...he felt so powerless to make thinks better and that was difficult for him. He was my rock through the whole process. Looking back now, I think I was so wrapped up in my own grief; it was hard for me to comfort or reassure him as much as he may have needed. In fact, there were irrational moments where I felt angry with him that he didn't have to experience the physical ramifications of the loss or that maybe it was his genes that caused a problem. These are ugly thoughts to have about the person you love, but it was a part of my emotional process at the time.
Take a moment to remember how you met, what made you fall in love with them, and how you fantasized about having a family. How do you find time to make each other feel special and important, outside of the realm of creating a family? How have you kept the flame alive in your intimate life, when sex has likely become about baby-making for you? What do you value in them and have you shared it with them lately? What can you do to reconnect with them during this special time? You need their support right now and they likely need yours. Take time to recognize the important role they play in your life and in your baby's life.
Help me to take a step back from myself today and reflect upon my mate. I am sometimes so consumed with my body, my worries, and this pregnancy that I forget to acknowledge the person who helped me create this life. Help me to bring them into this pregnancy and to involve them in this process. Help me to share with them all the ways that they are important to me besides being the "sperm donor."
Monday, October 25, 2010
Crisis
"A crisis forces you to create a new life, one that responds to your deepest needs...A crisis shakes up the status quo, spurring you to reevaluate your life and to make the corrections that lead to joy and success." --Laura Day, WELCOME TO YOUR CRISIS: HOW TO USE THE POWER OF CRISIS TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT
How did having a miscarriage create a crisis in your life? In what ways did it alter the way you view the world? In what ways did it alter your feelings about pregnancy...how is it impacting you today? Crises arise out of situations that come suddenly and unexpectedly; if one is completely unprepared for what occurs, it is not uncommon for a crisis to happen. In clinical terms, we call the crisis a "precipitating event." Often this event has a ripple effect that influences many areas of a person's life and functioning--both in positive and negative ways.
This week, spend a few moments reflecting on what impact the crisis of miscarriage had in your life and how you are moving forward from it. It is important to recognize if you allowed yourself to grieve the loss and move on when you felt ready. Now you are pregnant again--likely feeling excited and scared at the same time. Many women experience the crisis of miscarriage to take away some of the innocence and magic of pregnancy and motherhood. This loss of "innocence" can be saddening, yet remember that pregnancy is a means to an end. In other words, the end goal is to have a healthy baby not just to have a blissful and magical pregnancy. The crisis of miscarriage can help one be more realistic that having a family is a process.
What have been the repercussions in your life from the crisis of miscarriage? Do you view pregnancy and parenthood differently? Do you feel jaded and like the "Scrooge of Pregnancy"? Do you feel in crisis now that you are pregnant again? How do you best cope with crisis? How does your partner cope with crisis? Did you learn anything about your loss experience and your particular way of coping with it that can help you now or in the future?
This week, please help me to understand the ways that the crisis of miscarriage affected my life and feelings about pregnancy. It is important for me to feel calm, and not in crisis, as I am now pregnant again...and need to focus on taking good care of myself. This current pregnancy may have created a mini-crisis of anxiety for me. Help me to be strong and comfort me in the moments when I feel overwhelmed and full of despair. Help me to see that I can make it through no matter how this pregnancy turns out. Help me to identify coping strategies that were helpful so that I may utilize them in the future if the need should arise.
How did having a miscarriage create a crisis in your life? In what ways did it alter the way you view the world? In what ways did it alter your feelings about pregnancy...how is it impacting you today? Crises arise out of situations that come suddenly and unexpectedly; if one is completely unprepared for what occurs, it is not uncommon for a crisis to happen. In clinical terms, we call the crisis a "precipitating event." Often this event has a ripple effect that influences many areas of a person's life and functioning--both in positive and negative ways.
This week, spend a few moments reflecting on what impact the crisis of miscarriage had in your life and how you are moving forward from it. It is important to recognize if you allowed yourself to grieve the loss and move on when you felt ready. Now you are pregnant again--likely feeling excited and scared at the same time. Many women experience the crisis of miscarriage to take away some of the innocence and magic of pregnancy and motherhood. This loss of "innocence" can be saddening, yet remember that pregnancy is a means to an end. In other words, the end goal is to have a healthy baby not just to have a blissful and magical pregnancy. The crisis of miscarriage can help one be more realistic that having a family is a process.
What have been the repercussions in your life from the crisis of miscarriage? Do you view pregnancy and parenthood differently? Do you feel jaded and like the "Scrooge of Pregnancy"? Do you feel in crisis now that you are pregnant again? How do you best cope with crisis? How does your partner cope with crisis? Did you learn anything about your loss experience and your particular way of coping with it that can help you now or in the future?
This week, please help me to understand the ways that the crisis of miscarriage affected my life and feelings about pregnancy. It is important for me to feel calm, and not in crisis, as I am now pregnant again...and need to focus on taking good care of myself. This current pregnancy may have created a mini-crisis of anxiety for me. Help me to be strong and comfort me in the moments when I feel overwhelmed and full of despair. Help me to see that I can make it through no matter how this pregnancy turns out. Help me to identify coping strategies that were helpful so that I may utilize them in the future if the need should arise.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Letting Go of Perfection
"So what I want to say to you today is this: if this sounds, in any way, familiar to you, if you have been trying to be perfect in one way or another, too, then make today...the day to put down the backpack. Trying to be perfect may be sort of inevitable for people like us, who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level, it's too hard, and at another, it's too cheap and easy...But this is worse: that someday, sometime, you will be somewhere, maybe on a day like today--maybe something bad will have happened: you will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something you wanted to succeed at very much. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for that core to sustain you. If you have been perfect all your life, and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where your core ought to be. Don't take that chance...And it will make all the difference in the world. Take it from someone who has left the backpack full of bricks behind. Every day feels light as a feather. --Anna Quindlen's Commencement Speech, Mt. Holyoke College
In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm.
This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.
Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.
In our culture today women are focused on perfection. Much of their lives are spent in trying to please the people around them--being the good daughter, the thoughtful friend, the true partner. Many women extend this quest for perfection into pregnancy and motherhood--aiming for a perfect pregnancy, being the vision of a healthy mom-to-be, the tip top nurturer for this new life growing inside of them. Part of the grief for women suffering miscarriages is coming to terms with a sense that their bodies failed them, and were somehow imperfect. In particular, women who have conditions in which their body attacks the unborn child often feel betrayed by their bodies (as in Antiphospholipid Sydrome). It is not uncommon to experience feelings of disappointment, and even temporary hatred, towards one's own body after suffering a miscarriage. However, it is necessary and healing for all women to let go of the quest to be perfect in the motherhood and pregnancy realm.
This is a good lesson to learn now because in becoming a parent, you will quickly feel less than perfect. It is important to understand that there really is no "perfect" anything--pregnancy, husband, job, child, etc...and you will not be perfect in every way. Let it go and you will notice a new freedom. Take some time to reflect upon what really matters and how you truly feel about yourself. As the quote suggests, you need to have a strong inner core and sense of self to enjoy and cope with life. Reflect on the unique aspects of yourself that you are proud of---and ones that you want to work on. You have some time to focus on yourself right now, before a baby arrives, so seize this time! Think about who you are, what is important to you, and how you want to behave as a mother/partner/woman/person in the universe. You will be a more loving and compassionate parent if you are proud of the person that you are.
Please help me to lighten my burden this week by knowing that I do not have to be perfect or please everyone. I shouldn't have to be perfect to please myself either. I have enough to focus on right now and I need to support and nurture my inner self. I may have been disappointed in my body by the previous miscarriage, but I really need to be kind to myself right now. Help me to see myself clearly, to cherish the parts about me I am especially proud of, and to embrace my imperfections as well.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Accepting Support From Others
"Thanks for showing me that even on the darkest, rainiest of days the sun is still there, just behind the clouds, waiting to shine again." --Lisa Harlow
You are likely feeling vulnerable right now and beginning to build up a wall to protect yourself--from hurting again if there was a disappointment, from friends and loved ones because you don't want to share that you're pregnant again in case of a loss, and possibly even from your partner because you want to to wallow in your anxiety alone. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and support, especially during this time. You may not be feeling well already and certainly you are worrying because you've had at least one previous loss.
For many women, it is uncomfortable to be vulnerable, needy, anxious, and emotional--we may not be that kind of person that likes to depend on other people. We may be the kind of person that is always there when a friend needs support, but feels uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. But, the roles are reversed now. Try to allow others to help get you what you need--a backrub, a "chick flick," a nice walk along the beach with a friend, a friend to call after each doctor appointment, or for your partner to hold your hand and tell you "everything is going to be ok." One of the first lessons of motherhood is that you can't do it alone. You will need support, almost immediately. So, if this is a challenge for you--allow yourself to begin the process of letting some trusted people assist and comfort you. You might be surprised how much it helps...and how rewarding it is for your partner or close friends to be there for you.
Do you generally let others help you? Have you been able to allow your partner or loves ones share part of the burden of this pregnancy? What support feels the most beneficial for you--and have you communicated that to the necessary people that can help? How will this process of accepting support from others help you as a mother? Do you want to provide a role model for your children of someone who can accept help from others?
Help me to relax this week and begin to let down my guard. I feel like I am on the edge and in a fight or flight mode. It is uncomfortable to be scared and vulnerable, but I do have loved ones that I can rely upon. It is hard to not be in control...and to not share what's going on in my life with others. Please help me to identify a few trusted souls that I can share my pregnancy with to help ease the burden. Help me to accept loving support from people around me--all of this help will also benefit my growing baby.
You are likely feeling vulnerable right now and beginning to build up a wall to protect yourself--from hurting again if there was a disappointment, from friends and loved ones because you don't want to share that you're pregnant again in case of a loss, and possibly even from your partner because you want to to wallow in your anxiety alone. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of love and support, especially during this time. You may not be feeling well already and certainly you are worrying because you've had at least one previous loss.
For many women, it is uncomfortable to be vulnerable, needy, anxious, and emotional--we may not be that kind of person that likes to depend on other people. We may be the kind of person that is always there when a friend needs support, but feels uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. But, the roles are reversed now. Try to allow others to help get you what you need--a backrub, a "chick flick," a nice walk along the beach with a friend, a friend to call after each doctor appointment, or for your partner to hold your hand and tell you "everything is going to be ok." One of the first lessons of motherhood is that you can't do it alone. You will need support, almost immediately. So, if this is a challenge for you--allow yourself to begin the process of letting some trusted people assist and comfort you. You might be surprised how much it helps...and how rewarding it is for your partner or close friends to be there for you.
Do you generally let others help you? Have you been able to allow your partner or loves ones share part of the burden of this pregnancy? What support feels the most beneficial for you--and have you communicated that to the necessary people that can help? How will this process of accepting support from others help you as a mother? Do you want to provide a role model for your children of someone who can accept help from others?
Help me to relax this week and begin to let down my guard. I feel like I am on the edge and in a fight or flight mode. It is uncomfortable to be scared and vulnerable, but I do have loved ones that I can rely upon. It is hard to not be in control...and to not share what's going on in my life with others. Please help me to identify a few trusted souls that I can share my pregnancy with to help ease the burden. Help me to accept loving support from people around me--all of this help will also benefit my growing baby.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sacrifice and Self-Care
"We cannot do great things--only small things with great love."
--Mother Theresa
There are so many opportunities during pregnancy and parenthood to do small things with great love. It is the beginning of a less selfish time in one's life...and often the simplest pleasures bring tremendous joy to your spirit and those around you. Pregnancy is a time to love yourself and the baby inside of you in little ways each day--taking walks if you feel good, eating healthy, allowing your partner to give you backrubs, taking baths, and napping when possible. When you become pregnant, especially after having a miscarriage, every choice you make each day about food, sleep, and exercise considers the baby inside of you. You are making many small sacrifices each day while trying to carry this baby to term.
Many women have to make even bigger sacrifices throughout the course of their pregnancy--and they especially need to ask for support and take good care of themselves. Some women need bed rest, some have to take medications or do injections, some need progesterone suppositories, some need infusions of good antibodies, some do acupuncture, and some are constantly monitored by doctors. You may be a woman who had to do fertility treatments to become pregnant, which may have included a whole multitude of sacrifices and stressors. There are days when you may feel like a lab rat and just want to cry. If this is your situation, try to remind yourself that you chose this route to have this child...and that there are women who may even have more medical intervention to achieve a healthy pregnancy. The desire to have children is so strong that it often outweighs the risks and inconveniences that women have to go through. Despite the daily challenges, we can all feel thankful that we live in an age where there are medical interventions that can be of assistance. Honestly, all of these challenges and inconveniences will melt away when you hold this baby in your arms.
During pregnancy is a great time to begin taking better care of yourself and getting your needs met. It is an important motherhood lesson to learn--when better to begin good self-care than now? What activities make you feel better? Time alone, taking a walk, writing in a journal, exercising, cooking, or going to lunch with a friend? Nurture your own life while creating life.
What sacrifices are you making for this pregnancy? Do you need to ask for more support? What are the little ways that you can love yourself and your baby right now? What activites can you work into your routine that allow you to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? How well do you take care of yourself now--how do you think this may change when the baby arrives?
On my hard days, when I am filled with anxiety and stress, help me to remember all that I am doing each day to support this life growing inside of me. I am doing everything possible to take care of myself and my baby. This week, let me have the strength and perseverance when I feel like a "lab rat"--and help me to remember the end is in sight. Guide me into activities that provide sustenance for my body, mind, and spirit. Help me to give myself what I need right now.
--Mother Theresa
There are so many opportunities during pregnancy and parenthood to do small things with great love. It is the beginning of a less selfish time in one's life...and often the simplest pleasures bring tremendous joy to your spirit and those around you. Pregnancy is a time to love yourself and the baby inside of you in little ways each day--taking walks if you feel good, eating healthy, allowing your partner to give you backrubs, taking baths, and napping when possible. When you become pregnant, especially after having a miscarriage, every choice you make each day about food, sleep, and exercise considers the baby inside of you. You are making many small sacrifices each day while trying to carry this baby to term.
Many women have to make even bigger sacrifices throughout the course of their pregnancy--and they especially need to ask for support and take good care of themselves. Some women need bed rest, some have to take medications or do injections, some need progesterone suppositories, some need infusions of good antibodies, some do acupuncture, and some are constantly monitored by doctors. You may be a woman who had to do fertility treatments to become pregnant, which may have included a whole multitude of sacrifices and stressors. There are days when you may feel like a lab rat and just want to cry. If this is your situation, try to remind yourself that you chose this route to have this child...and that there are women who may even have more medical intervention to achieve a healthy pregnancy. The desire to have children is so strong that it often outweighs the risks and inconveniences that women have to go through. Despite the daily challenges, we can all feel thankful that we live in an age where there are medical interventions that can be of assistance. Honestly, all of these challenges and inconveniences will melt away when you hold this baby in your arms.
During pregnancy is a great time to begin taking better care of yourself and getting your needs met. It is an important motherhood lesson to learn--when better to begin good self-care than now? What activities make you feel better? Time alone, taking a walk, writing in a journal, exercising, cooking, or going to lunch with a friend? Nurture your own life while creating life.
What sacrifices are you making for this pregnancy? Do you need to ask for more support? What are the little ways that you can love yourself and your baby right now? What activites can you work into your routine that allow you to nurture your body, mind, and spirit? How well do you take care of yourself now--how do you think this may change when the baby arrives?
On my hard days, when I am filled with anxiety and stress, help me to remember all that I am doing each day to support this life growing inside of me. I am doing everything possible to take care of myself and my baby. This week, let me have the strength and perseverance when I feel like a "lab rat"--and help me to remember the end is in sight. Guide me into activities that provide sustenance for my body, mind, and spirit. Help me to give myself what I need right now.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Cautious Optimism
"...the very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof...Right now I'm living inside that hope, running down its hallway and touching the walls on both sides...I can't tell you how good it feels." --Barbara Kingsolver, ANIMAL DREAMS
Congratulations on your pregnancy! It must be exciting to be pregnant again--yet if you're reading this site, you've also experienced a previous loss. You are probably filled with a multitude of emotions: fear, happiness, joy, anxiety, guilt over your lost baby, or babies, and alone. It may have taken many months to achieve this pregnancy or it may have happened quicker than you were prepared for. What were your first feelings when you saw the positive pregnancy test? How did your partner feel? There are no right or wrong ways to feel about this pregnancy. Try to take a few moments to allow yourself to reflect on your initial emotions--whether you need to cry about it or laugh out loud with happiness. Try to let yourself experience some joy about the creation of this new life; no matter how this pregnancy turns out, you and your partner have created life together. This is miraculous in and of itself. For today, this is enough.
One of the most difficult aspects of pregnancy after miscarriage is not being able to know or control the future of this pregnancy. Unfortunately, your blinders are off and you know that many people experience losses on the way to creating the families of their dreams. However, it is still important to have hope--as Barbara Kingsolver's quote suggests. If you tell yourself not to get attached to this baby and you have a miscarriage--you will still hurt emotionally and physically. If you allow yourself to have some hope and begin attaching to this baby, you will also hurt if you have a miscarriage. Either way there will be pain. Explore cautious optimism, have hope, allow yourself to "run down its hallway" occasionally, and grieve if you have a loss. Everyone is different--experiment with what works for you.
This week I will be satisfied with the fact that my partner and I have created a new life. This is a miracle in and of itself. Some people are never able to get pregnant and I am grateful that we have been able to get pregnant again. Help me to have the strength to get through each day and please bless this pregnancy.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! It must be exciting to be pregnant again--yet if you're reading this site, you've also experienced a previous loss. You are probably filled with a multitude of emotions: fear, happiness, joy, anxiety, guilt over your lost baby, or babies, and alone. It may have taken many months to achieve this pregnancy or it may have happened quicker than you were prepared for. What were your first feelings when you saw the positive pregnancy test? How did your partner feel? There are no right or wrong ways to feel about this pregnancy. Try to take a few moments to allow yourself to reflect on your initial emotions--whether you need to cry about it or laugh out loud with happiness. Try to let yourself experience some joy about the creation of this new life; no matter how this pregnancy turns out, you and your partner have created life together. This is miraculous in and of itself. For today, this is enough.
One of the most difficult aspects of pregnancy after miscarriage is not being able to know or control the future of this pregnancy. Unfortunately, your blinders are off and you know that many people experience losses on the way to creating the families of their dreams. However, it is still important to have hope--as Barbara Kingsolver's quote suggests. If you tell yourself not to get attached to this baby and you have a miscarriage--you will still hurt emotionally and physically. If you allow yourself to have some hope and begin attaching to this baby, you will also hurt if you have a miscarriage. Either way there will be pain. Explore cautious optimism, have hope, allow yourself to "run down its hallway" occasionally, and grieve if you have a loss. Everyone is different--experiment with what works for you.
This week I will be satisfied with the fact that my partner and I have created a new life. This is a miracle in and of itself. Some people are never able to get pregnant and I am grateful that we have been able to get pregnant again. Help me to have the strength to get through each day and please bless this pregnancy.
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